---

invite my interest

somewhere with
someone I am
deserving

I'm not a pendulum
but I am

an imposition
pressure
the mix

one leads
to one
to one

puzzles matter
willingness
freedom

I think we're heading
in the right direction
now that the embargo
is lifted.

---

Some days go well.
Some nights I can't sleep.
Seems it should be
that I can't sleep
the night the days go bad
instead it's the other way around.

My name is all on the front page,
all under Stella's nice poem.
I've written so much,
replied so much.
Stella's gonna wonder who's
poem got posted on the front page,
mine or hers.
Maggie will know though.
I think she posted it.

There is something to this writing thing.
It makes me feel better, like I'm really alve,
I don't just think I am, or better yet,
someone else knows me besides myself.

Friday night I'm going out to a barbecue.
They're coming to pick me up.
That's how bad they want me to go.
I'm afraid I'm afraid.
They knew that.
They knew that I'd try to back out.
Now I can't.
They're coming to get me.

I wonder what will happen.
I'll probably have a good time
and forget about my mom for a few hours
then feel guilty.

Right now I feel guilty about the clicking noise
my fingers are making on the keyboard.
I'm probably keeping her awake.

Good night, dear friend.
I know you're out there.

---

what if I really wrote what I think in this little white box?  would jay kick me out of poetry circle?  no probably not.  he's probably seen alot of weird things in his day.  someone else might try to kick me out though.  someone straight-laced with a pinched face.

this is my white box.  not yours.  I can put whatever I want here.  how many degrees of freedom is that?

I wish I could write a lullabye.  if I could I would lull myself to sleep.

I'm just this shiny faced square.
Never posed for Playboy
or cracked a whip.
Read a few Playgirls
when I was younger
Learned all penises
aren't the same.

I've never had a threesome
Came close one time
I wasn't paying attention
I've never swallowed sperm
And I know that gives me
a low score on my sex card
But I can't swallow oysters either
or boiled okra

There's one thing I have done
that most women don't experience
but I'm not telling you what it is
Seems to offend women
Let's just say it was a blast

I've had two babies naturally
Screamed all the way through
Stayed pissed off 'cause they
wouldn't let me go home midlabor

Breast fed both babies too
An awesome experience
The bond is beyond anything speakable
My tits didn't get saggy either
Don't believe that lie
Mine just got bigger
Made me a real woman, ha

I've never climbed a mountain
Went on an deep sea diving excursion though
Had underwater vertigo
Closest to death I've ever been
JB was even mad at me over that
I couldn't help it
But at least I knew not to
have sex with him after that

Some things just have to be tested
and we don't know it until
the test is all over with
and if we're still alive
we passed the test
even though we feel like failures

Speaking of, I've never failed a test
Not that I can remember
Wait, a few pregnancy tests, hiv
and shit like that

See how I always come back around to sex
And don't think I don't know that
I realize my brain is really a sex organ in disguise
But I gave up trying to hide it along time ago
and I feel better now.

See, I told you this is my damn little white box

---

there's a skrunch in my stomach
when I see your name
or read something you've written
I always like it better
when I can readily understand it
but especially when I can put myself in it
when I can pretend it's written to me
or about me
or about something that concerns me

when I first arrived
I was inebriated by you
and your words
the way you spoke to the world
everyday
it was like a string of little stories
a diary with a secret key
that I would hide away
bring it out and open it up
to read at special times

being here with you is like
visiting another world
or being insane and it's ok
well, I don't know
I just know it's ok
I know I'm not doing anything wrong

at first I was confused
I couldn't understand
how you could love so many people
I didn't understand how you could
be so masculine and so tender
at the same time

you seldom do anything wrong
always say things in a kind way
I know I will never lose you
as a friend

sometimes I wonder
if you lived next door
if I could come over
after work
and you would stay up
all night with me

I wonder if your eyes would invite me
to be real
if you would accept me for who I am
I wonder if I would want to impress you
I wonder if you would teach me not
to lie

---

---

there is something I want badly
I would have to work hard, hard
to get it.  it would change my life,
just the becoming and the getting
of it would deliver me to a different
plane of living, a different quality

why won't I make the simple sacrifices
why do I stay in a shell
I could take my money and step out tomorrow
begin a whole new life
why don't I do it

what happens to grown ups
when they're ashamed
the life they live
is not the one they planned
they don't have a home
surrounded by family
instead they have rooms
where they hide hour to hour
walking like a ghost from room
to room, opening and closing doors

and why can't I, yes me,
make the demons leave me alone
I've allowed them to feel much
too comfortable with me
playing games, running me ragged
at last leading me to break down
where it all comes like an avalanche

and I'm so tired of needing rescue
I have to, I have to rescue myself this time
all by myself

---

---

sometimes I seem so out of sync
sometimes I feel out of sync
and know why
it's the times I seem out of sync
that worry me

---

it's odd
I fight all the time for simplicity
for life to be uncomplicated
wishing there were no inconsistencies
that everything made sense
or at least wishing I didn't care
that everything, that most things
don't make sense

and then

the minute I don't understand something complex
I feel stupid

what the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

---

there's a wild kitten running
won't let anyone pet her
or tell her she's a sweet kitty
someone rolled her over
kicked in the chest
she's chased up a weeping
willow tree mewing crying
like babies do
needing rescue

there's a cross-eyed bitch
roaming in heat
her paw's out ruffling feathers
causing problems
doesn't like kitten much
she'll get used to her

there's a spider
spun a web
not mine, a stranger
put her here

there's a snow leopard
comfortable, splendid
learned to stand
on her back legs
whispers 'you're ok'

rounded up captured
all wild animals
thrown in a wire cage
trap door slammed

kitten calms down
next to white leopard
makes her bed, sleeps
bitch settles down
survives and shuts up
spider dies

---

---

sun breaks through clouds
so cliche so true
song tells me
cries of a broken heart
are 'better than a hallelujah'
sometimes'

---

---

sometimes
I understand why
I have no lover
or why
no relationship
steps one foot
in front of the other

when I'm jealous
of what is only attention
I withdraw and give up

not wanting anymore
of the pain
of hurt feelings
of the threat of loss

---

she's a rural countryside
grey on a wintry day
her pallet is dark and desolate
creating images
of flat fields
in boundaries
tall solemn timber
with barren branches

dusk is a trembling lyric
an empty farmhouse
with glass windows
sings to her
like a lone wolf howling
strange hypnotic strings
the wind through hollow pine

streams scarce of water
line her hands
as she turns her palms
constantly in transit
outside and inward
inside and outward
reaching

Thanks silent, for pulling this out of the angst river.  I see I've misspelled squirm once.  Glad you enjoyed.

ha!  I only wish.  Actually I love spelling and puncuation, grammar junk like that.  'Course doesn't mean I'm good at it.  thanks for coming back.           cheryl

---

you're in control
of what happens
here, what happens
between us

                        (I like that)

I'll always do what
you tell me to do

never humiliate or
debase you
never scream and
holler at you

when my emotions
are out of control
you're in control

     sometimes verbal
     happenings are
     reflections of what
     might happen in
     the physical

that's exciting
                         (I need that)
the excitement
and the control

---