irresistible women vehemently reject her
inadequate, she screws overweight reprobates

insolent drug dealers progeny her face
strung-out, she croaks and thrashes

doctors vowelize no surgery time again
dejected, she stabs malnourished skin

family members identify a failed investment
capricious, she squats seedy hollowed-outs

she always used to tell me
now that we weren’t together
i couldn’t tell her what to do

i stand here now, holding up
the viewing line, deliberating for
an instance i told her what to do.

yikes. this is a gulp poim. outstanding.

deh

tragic tale
excellent writing, Lawrence


Stella

Lawrence, the last two stanzas--wow -- very heavy.

Awesome job,
cheryl

Lawrence great poem.  I had to read it several
times to take it all in.  From the beginning
I liked the last two stanza's the best.  It
almost says it all but there is a lot more
to it.  My interpretation is that this is a suicide
after the N told her where to go.

I have a little trouble understanding some lines.
In S2, I take it she was on drugs but line 2 in S2
seems unnecessary or needs more or less.
S3 - not sure what's going on.  She needs
surgery but can't get it? Then she stabs herself?
S4 - not sure about line 2.

IMO it either needs some trimming or elaboration;
of course, I prefer the first option because the
last two stanzas sum up the poem. 
I wonder if you need so much detail before you
get there.

Marion

Lawrence, like Marion, there are phrases I don't understand but I know that literal understanding is not always the point here. "progeny her face" is my favorite phrase though elusive to understand literally. put three nutlike phrases in a poem this size, though, and it becomes fragmented to me, doesn't accumulate: that's what causes me problems. but later, "i stand here now, holding up
the viewing line," knocks me for a loop all on its own. tom

david nice to meet your voice here on pc.  thanks for looking in on this and providing me with a "gulp"!, glad to know your pharynx works and this piece was effective in some way.  stella and cheryl, always love to read your comments and insight, thanks.  marion!  always appreciate your feedback.  that second line in S2 is more or less describing her reaction to abusing drugs.  S3 i wanted to leave vague for the reader to decide on what type of surgery she may be requesting given her plight-plastic, weight-loss,gender, etc. at least that's what my intention was!  i am combing back through this, i like the direction it has and the snipets that flash to get there.  tom awesome you clued in on "progeny her face".  there is a bit of an elusive nature about the piece, but again, i think that helps add dimension to the N.  thanks for reinforcing the power of last S, glad that hits.  This began as a challenge poem, so i will be rereading with these edits in mind.  thanks again guys for the solid feedback. -lawrence

This is a kick-ass piece of work. I think the erratic syntax works. It infers the nervousness inherent in the event(s). It needs to go up.

larry

larry thanks for this bump, i really thought that the syntax played well throughout as well.  appreciate your read and promotion sir!  -lawrence

Lawrence,

This is a brilliant portrait! Brilliant! I am seeing the poem painted by Francis Bacon.
Great writing,  publish it.

                                                Ken 

ken thank you for the wonderful positive and encouraging comments on this poem.  francis bacon is unknown to me, so i will absolutely have a look if this piece evokes his colors.  appreciate it -lawrence

Lawrence,

Bacon is an English painter whose portraits are eccentric
and disturbing because of his grotesque but striking
distortions of natural form. I imagine Connie so distorted
by pain.

                              Ken

I'm glad to see this picked.  it is so fine.  it requires a focused read.

for me, the N's anger is worth noting.  the last two stazas all about anger at Connie, at loss, at self.  for me, it corresponds so well with this reflections/remembrance.

well done

tiko

Lawrence, congrats on this! Tom

I really like these words:
progeny
reprobates
vowelize

I learned about the subject of euphony yesterday.

S1L2: inadequate seems an odd modifier for an impersonal pronoun. The she may feel inadequate but an inadequate she, maybe not, even with the properly placed comma.


S2L1: a face cannot be "progenized" An expression of the face might be "born" or "originate" from an interaction.

S3L1: to scan correctly, it should read:

doctors vowelize no surgery
time and again dejected
she stabs malnourished skin [when read, emphasis on mal-nourished]

S6: should scan as:

i stand here now
holding up the viewing line
deliberating for an instance

i told her what to do.

This is just how I perceive it. I don't yet know your "voice" or style.

I really liked the content though.

Congrats Lawrence.  This is a wonderful offering.

Tiko

Lg, this is wonderful.  I remember reading it and thinking 'how appropriate' but don't know if I said anything.  So glad to see one of yours on the front page.  I'm sure it hasn't been your first and know it won't be your last.

beatnik kudos ; ) ,
cheryl

Lawrence--Congrats on this man! Wonderful piece.

wow

you know, i've been writing on this site since February 22, 2009, 12:08:28 PM and this is my first one on the front page.  whoever dog-eared this one, i thank you and to everyone who commented thanks for the encouraging words and positivity. -lawrence

Good to see this here, Lawrence.

larry thanks for this, your comments helped spark this piece. appreciate the nod, -lawrence

dear Lawrence

i am truly delighted that you are still relishing in the joy of the front page experience
and i am sure as you say the first time is unforgettable that it must be so....
i have not been to the front page other than as a voyeur .....but i feel assured that you will have
many more chances to be headlined.

a warm smile
silent lotus