I watched my father
and my older sister
and countless others
grow too blind to fish,
and starve to death.

A pelican from east of us
glided through last week,
heard my lament,
and asked if I had shared
my catch with them.

I pretended an updraft
was too good to miss.
A lump rose in my gullet

that's still there.
I can't speak.
I can pouch a fish
but not stomach it.

Good one, Tom, though
the string of 's are distracting.
Some suggestions that may
be useful or discard.
marion

I watched the eyesight
of my parents and my
older sisters dim until
they could no longer fish
and starved to death.

Some northern birds
moved in one day,
and as a swallow
wheeled near me

he asked if I had shared
the fish I caught with them.
I pretended an updraft
was too good to ignore.

A lump rose in my gullet
that's still there. I can't
speak. I can catch a fish,
but I can't stomach it.

You're so right, Marion. I cut a few lines and "s"s and will look at it some more. Thank you, Tom

..moving from Workshop to Submit board..

tom, interesting read. i liked this my only nit might be to strip out the "my" tied to the sister as i think it not needed (not sure older is either but just me) - i think the and in l4 s2 could also go to read a little smoother. like the idea of this though and the way it was carried out

Thank you, Casey. Funny with that "my." When I try out the line without it, it seems to make the sister less important. Is that just me or one of the mystical powers of the article or possessive pronoun?
Same with "older", actually; though placed there originally because I want the concept of "old" in the poem to set off its new.
If I don't take up your suggestions, I am very glad you made them and am learning a lot from thinking about them. Tom

tom this is a good one, moving and sentimental, as well.

cheryl

I think I'm getting this, but I'm a bit vague about the terrible dawning. Is it some seismic change in the world, or a realisation?

Thrashing about a bit at the moment, Tom, so throw me this straw.

Cheers

David

thank you david! i've missed the mark i see, hopefully just by a bit. the dawning is both seismic and personal: the novel cultural idea just imported from the east that one pelican can share food with others and keep them alive. it's terrible because it's too late for our N - it had never occurred to him while his sister, father, etc. were starving, though he blames himself for his lack of imagination.
advice on how to clarify welcome!

cheryl, glad you enjoyed this! thanks,

tom

Yep, you're very nearly there with all that. I'll give it some thought, see if anything catches fire.

As an aside, are you familiar with the use of the pelican in medieval imagery? Believed to cut open its own breast in order to feed its young (when it was only reaching into its pouch to extract food), it was therefore used as a symbol representing Christ's death on the cross.

Not sure if that's any good to you at all, as another layer of meaning, but I thought I'd just throw it in for your consideration. Or consternation. You decide!

Cheers

David

what do you think of adding a line at end of S2,
"like parents do chicks"?

I pretended an updraft
was too good to miss.

That's what's causing me a problem at the moment, Tom. It seems to suggest that N (the P) knew very well what it was doing in neglecting its family, and I don't think that's the intention.

Do you see what I mean?

ah! didn't see that. how about putting the last line of that S first:

A lump rose in my gullet.
I pretended an updraft
was too good to miss.

(then cutting or adapting top line of following S)?

I have not been here for a while, but your poetry has really evolved (not that it wasn't great before). This had me mesmerised.

not sure if this is needed, but perhaps a 'but' could be in order here:

I pretended an updraft
was too good to miss
but a lump rose in my gullet

not sure if it's needed but I wouldn't change the order of anything if I were you; I really dig things as they are.

The title could perhaps be changed though.

may i speak?  love this poem and what you're saying.  i don't seem to have any problems with any of the things mentioned aforehand, but no one's mentioning my quibbles n bitz so i will.

there are 3 'ands' in the first verse.  i realize if you were talking you might say it that way, but i just wonder if you need all three.

also, i love what you have to say about the risen or rising lump still there but would there be a way you could begin the last verse using something besides 'that's'?

everytime i get to that point, i stumble.

great poem,
cheryl