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various drafts
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Re: various drafts
«
Reply #30 on:
February 23, 2010, 02:05:40 PM »
by
cherylleverette
I love these portraits. 'richard' is a treasure, and francine-- breast and mind line is ingenious. your writing is a pleasure to read, tom.
cheryl
Logged
"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #31 on:
February 23, 2010, 02:19:03 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
thanks again for the visit, cheryl...welcome to the neighborhood. tom
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #32 on:
February 23, 2010, 04:58:26 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 16, 2010, 09:39:11 AM
first warm day
lawn chairs
on the front stoops
gin & tonics
in tall thin glasses
it hardly mattered
the spectacle
was all the boys
on the block
cudgeling each other
off their bikes
with trimmed off
pine limbs
salvaged
late in january
from the crèche
at st. joe's
pleasant street
the 'mount' fell out
of usage
not even a hill
for miles
the new sign
just plain 'pleasant'
new immigrants
moving in
from points both
east and south
i've heard 'there goes
the neighborhood'
but where is
it going
and who ever
would notice
greta
a small version
of michelle obama
girlish smile
white bobby socks
level headed
she's quite wonderful
and everyone's
left her
bonita
they used to
send her
out to smother
mastodons
with enthusiasm
and affection
or if that failed
a tantrum
but these days
she drives
babysitters
crazy and paints
her own
face like a lion's
randall
tall
well groomed
pulls off handsome
sense of humor
but
watchful
generous
a first lieutenant
at home
in war
a meticulous killer
her topaz
his aura
of pure sex
sucked
the oxygen
right out of
her topaz
leaving
a residue of
aluminum
and silicon
smudging
her neck
and tiny
flecks of
bifluoride
gleaming
like sweat
mai
the little dragon
inside her
sometimes cool
sometimes hot
grows as she grows
as if it were part
of her
and not
as her grandpa says
the birth gift
of a rebel warlord
hunted
but never caught
jim
beer
and sports
are what
he wears
inside he
is pearl
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #33 on:
February 23, 2010, 06:00:50 PM »
by
Marion Alice Poirier
Tom. IMO you should use punctuation. I have not gone
beyond the first draft. I made a lot of comments but lost
it in cyber space. (Don't you hate that?) The last question
is important to the poem; therefore,
I feel it should end with a question mark. I do not like
the absence of punctuation in poems, but that's a 'me' thing.
You could eliminate some of the adjectives IMO - also a few
pronouns and articles.
Good draft. Tom.
Warm regards,
I appreciate all that you do for PC and for all your time and help.
Marion
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #34 on:
February 23, 2010, 06:10:52 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
thank you for stopping in here, Marion. not sure which draft you're specifically referring to, there's a crowd in here, but will look and consider your advice. Tom
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #35 on:
February 23, 2010, 06:41:32 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
Thanks, Marion! I am putting all these drafts here until I get them organized - if I post them separately, it will flood the boards too much. I'm happy to have you browse through in the meantime, if you find some good reading.
The question of punctuation is a good one. I do love the stuff too, but at other times I get on jags of doing without, not controlling the voice so much: without the punctuation I hear the voices as if they're not my own, a little bit. Tom
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #36 on:
February 24, 2010, 09:55:11 AM »
by
Tom Riordan
moving a pile of these to Workshop as "pleasant street [series]"
Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 16, 2010, 09:39:11 AM
block party
everyone took him
for someone's cousin
but when he and his
bike lay stove in
on the pavement
no one came up and
said, he's mine.
none of the kids
he had been racing with
knew who he was.
sawhorses at the corner
were moved
for the police
and ambulance.
ten wanted to go with him
he was ours now
but the officer said no
you can't
you did the right thing
to call us
we have to
take charge now.
andrew
twins, she says,
one born live,
one born dead.
identical twins.
don't that
beat all, she all but
says.
surely she knows
no one knows
how to answer
except andrew
who gathered her
head to his shoulder
and patted her
shoulder blade.
maria
how two
self second-guessers
produce a daughter
of such passions
is anyone's guess
but
if she doesn't kill them
she will make them
wish she had
scott
atheist jew
scientist
cokebottle
glasses
pleasant
matter of fact
considerate
and kind
a detestable
man
ji-min
perfect haircut and
perfectly shaved
tall and stiff as
a walkingstick insect
sonorous and
highly methodist
a mercedes benz he
doesn't really fit in
a chic bag of
knit-hatted golf clubs
as beloved as his
children
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #37 on:
February 25, 2010, 12:03:52 AM »
by
cherylleverette
love these. the bike story is sad.
How can one be an atheist Jew? By birth I guess, but isn't 'jewish' a religion and not just a nationality? maybe not. good poem, though.
cheryl
Logged
"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #38 on:
February 25, 2010, 08:36:54 AM »
by
Tom Riordan
Most Jews I know are ethnically or culturally Jewish - foods, holidays, ethics, humor etc. - but not religious at all. Still, half the Unitarians around here are Jews, most the Buddhists around here are Jews, and there are also the evangelical Christian Jews who keep sending us literature and knocking on the door. My guy here is a true atheist - not agnostic or any of that - I actually think of formal atheism as an offshoot of 20th century Judaism.
Okay, enough Tomipedia! Thanks for reading my stuff here, very glad you enjoy these, Cheryl. Tom
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #39 on:
February 25, 2010, 11:16:00 AM »
by
cherylleverette
yes, that would be it --ethnically & culturally. I would give you my myipedia on jews but I'll put it in a poem. (the tomipeida thing is good -- I like it. very catchy).
Logged
"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #40 on:
February 25, 2010, 01:41:47 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 16, 2010, 09:39:11 AM
moved a pile of these to Workshop as "formerly mount pleasant street" series
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #41 on:
February 26, 2010, 10:46:18 PM »
by
Tom Riordan
Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 16, 2010, 09:39:11 AM
Later Love
Ten years ago
I would have
said, No, you
can't do that
to me. Today,
I don't know
what to say.
Maybe nothing.
You did do it
to me, so the
only question
is how much
I'll punish you.
Karen's Blind Date
“The flip side of all
this tenderness is,
I'm afraid, violence,”
he says. “I learned
that about myself in
my court ordered
therapy, and I'm
telling you, I'm not
cured, I have some
pretty silly strategies
to control my rages,
but unless I control
my love in the first place,
I can't say I'm not
going to blow up.”
“You serious?” she says.
“Doll, I appreciate
your telling me all this,
it's a really good sign,
but you need to go
back, find yourself
another therapist,
and then find yourself
a different word for
what you're calling love.
Sweet-talking me,
then telling me you
might well beat me up,
that isn't love
where I come from.
To maybe get hit
I don't really need
to ask my friends
to fix me up, do I?”
A Modest Proposal for Love
How great was Cheadle in
Crash?
The inattentive, even narcissistic,
merit attention and appreciation.
What are “the good sons” anyway
except palms held out differently,
passive aggressive? Better “Me, me, me”
than “You, you, you” with a rider.
All three feel sorry for themselves,
nobody gets enough, greed saw to that.
The only love to be practiced is a
restraint on bickering and complaint,
and sparing with requests—only when
your nickel is worth a dollar to me.
No, not even then, the math's unstable.
So you just go about your business—
you beg your way, while I beg mine—
both of us admitting the mouthfuls
are not what matter at all. However
the cookie crumbles, we're still going
to raven. But let's do so together,
share the nest, remain brothers.
That Early Love We Mourn
What exactly was that
early love we mourn?
I think it was
largely inattention.
We drove around
more with friends,
drank more, fucked more
inattentively
and it was you and me
and romantic gestures
against the world, more;
but is there any chance
we actually loved more
before we took the plunge
and traded all that in
to get to know each other?
We did choose that, right?
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #42 on:
February 26, 2010, 11:34:57 PM »
by
cherylleverette
I like the last two especially. Just love all of 'modest proposal' and love the way you analyze love. 'Early Love' is more close to home with verses 6 & 7 written very well. A fresh look at an age old issue.
cheryl
Logged
"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #43 on:
February 27, 2010, 05:57:33 AM »
by
Tom Riordan
thanks for visiting, Cheryl. I appreciate your reactions. tom
Logged
Re: various drafts
«
Reply #44 on:
February 27, 2010, 05:35:33 PM »
by
cherylleverette
Quote from: Tom Riordan on January 16, 2010, 09:39:11 AM
An Upstanding Establishment
Dick Hertz, Dick Hertz,
and Connie Lingus, Connie Lingus,
your tables are ready.
The new hostess blares
away on the PA system
and everyone else has their laugh.
Welcome to the restaurant business.
Over here, the head waiter
is burying every third check
and keeping the cash.
Over here, the bartender
is swallowing every third pour
and getting smashed.
In the back, the grill-man
is recycling unfinished steaks
as beef kebabs,
and the prep staff trims
the mold off bargain basement
blocks of cheddar.
The sommelier passes out
her business card
with a unblushing wink,
the waitress in the lounge
asks the Texan businessmen,
'Do you cocks want some tail?'
All kinds of magic and mischief
are made here, it's pretty much
anything goes, name your poison.
Cash is king. At one end of the bar
is the chief of police, at the other
the Monsignor and his chippie.
I enjoyed this behind the scenes look at the bar and restaurant business. Enjoyed Connie Lingus and cock and tails. Guess I have a dirty mind. But we all knew that anyway.
cheryl
Logged
"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
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