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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #30 on: February 23, 2010, 02:05:40 PM » by cherylleverette
I love these portraits.  'richard' is a treasure, and francine-- breast and mind line is ingenious.  your writing is a pleasure to read, tom.

cheryl
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: various drafts
« Reply #31 on: February 23, 2010, 02:19:03 PM » by Tom Riordan
thanks again for the visit, cheryl...welcome to the neighborhood. tom
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #32 on: February 23, 2010, 04:58:26 PM » by Tom Riordan
first warm day

lawn chairs
on the front stoops

gin & tonics
in tall thin glasses

it hardly mattered
the spectacle

was all the boys
on the block

cudgeling each other
off their bikes

with trimmed off
pine limbs

salvaged
late in january

from the crèche
at st. joe's


pleasant street

the 'mount' fell out
of usage

not even a hill
for miles

the new sign
just plain 'pleasant'

new immigrants
moving in

from points both
east and south

i've heard 'there goes
the neighborhood'

but where is
it going

and who ever
would notice


greta

a small version
of michelle obama

girlish smile
white bobby socks

level headed
she's quite wonderful

and everyone's
left her


bonita

they used to
send her

out to smother
mastodons

with enthusiasm
and affection

or if that failed
a tantrum

but these days
she drives

babysitters
crazy and paints

her own
face like a lion's


randall

tall
well groomed
pulls off handsome

sense of humor
but
watchful

generous

a first lieutenant
at home

in war
a meticulous killer


her topaz

his aura
of pure sex

sucked
the oxygen

right out of
her topaz

leaving
a residue of

aluminum
and silicon

smudging
her neck

and tiny
flecks of

bifluoride

gleaming
like sweat


mai

the little dragon
inside her

sometimes cool
sometimes hot

grows as she grows

as if it were part
of her

and not
as her grandpa says

the birth gift
of a rebel warlord

hunted
but never caught


jim

beer
and sports

are what
he wears

inside he
is pearl
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #33 on: February 23, 2010, 06:00:50 PM » by Marion Alice Poirier
Tom. IMO you should use punctuation.  I have not gone
beyond the first draft.  I made a lot of comments but lost
it in cyber space. (Don't you hate that?) The last question
is important to the poem; therefore,
I feel it should end with a question mark.  I do not like
the absence of punctuation in poems, but that's a 'me' thing.

You could eliminate some of the adjectives IMO - also a few
pronouns and articles.

Good draft. Tom.
Warm regards,

I appreciate all that you do for PC and for all your time and help.
Marion


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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #34 on: February 23, 2010, 06:10:52 PM » by Tom Riordan
thank you for stopping in here, Marion. not sure which draft you're specifically referring to, there's a crowd in here, but will look and consider your advice. Tom
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #35 on: February 23, 2010, 06:41:32 PM » by Tom Riordan
Thanks, Marion! I am putting all these drafts here until I get them organized - if I post them separately, it will flood the boards too much. I'm happy to have you browse through in the meantime, if you find some good reading.
The question of punctuation is a good one. I do love the stuff too, but at other times I get on jags of doing without, not controlling the voice so much: without the punctuation I hear the voices as if they're not my own, a little bit. Tom
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2010, 09:55:11 AM » by Tom Riordan
moving a pile of these to Workshop as "pleasant street [series]"
block party

everyone took him
for someone's cousin

but when he and his
bike lay stove in

on the pavement
no one came up and

said, he's mine.
none of the kids

he had been racing with
knew who he was.

sawhorses at the corner
were moved

for the police
and ambulance.

ten wanted to go with him
he was ours now

but the officer said no
you can't

you did the right thing
to call us

we have to
take charge now.


andrew

twins, she says,
one born live,
one born dead.
identical twins.

don't that
beat all, she all but
says.

surely she knows
no one knows
how to answer

except andrew
who gathered her
head to his shoulder

and patted her
shoulder blade.


maria

how two
self second-guessers

produce a daughter
of such passions

is anyone's guess
but

if she doesn't kill them
she will make them

wish she had


scott

atheist jew
scientist

cokebottle
glasses

pleasant
matter of fact

considerate
and kind

a detestable
man


ji-min

perfect haircut and
perfectly shaved

tall and stiff as
a walkingstick insect

sonorous and
highly methodist

a mercedes benz he
doesn't really fit in

a chic bag of
knit-hatted golf clubs

as beloved as his
children




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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #37 on: February 25, 2010, 12:03:52 AM » by cherylleverette
love these.  the bike story is sad.

How can one be an atheist Jew?  By birth I guess, but isn't 'jewish' a religion and not just a nationality?  maybe not.  good poem, though.

cheryl
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: various drafts
« Reply #38 on: February 25, 2010, 08:36:54 AM » by Tom Riordan
Most Jews I know are ethnically or culturally Jewish - foods, holidays, ethics, humor etc. - but not religious at all. Still, half the Unitarians around here are Jews, most the Buddhists around here are Jews, and there are also the evangelical Christian Jews who keep sending us literature and knocking on the door. My guy here is a true atheist - not agnostic or any of that - I actually think of formal atheism as an offshoot of 20th century Judaism.

Okay, enough Tomipedia! Thanks for reading my stuff here, very glad you enjoy these, Cheryl. Tom
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #39 on: February 25, 2010, 11:16:00 AM » by cherylleverette
yes, that would be it --ethnically & culturally.  I would give you my myipedia on jews but I'll put it in a poem. (the tomipeida thing is good -- I like it.  very catchy).
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: various drafts
« Reply #40 on: February 25, 2010, 01:41:47 PM » by Tom Riordan
moved a pile of these to Workshop as "formerly mount pleasant street" series
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2010, 10:46:18 PM » by Tom Riordan


Later Love

Ten years ago
I would have
said, No, you
can't do that
to me. Today,
I don't know
what to say.
Maybe nothing.
You did do it
to me, so the
only question
is how much
I'll punish you.


Karen's Blind Date

“The flip side of all
this tenderness is,
I'm afraid, violence,”
he says. “I learned
that about myself in

my court ordered
therapy, and I'm
telling you, I'm not
cured, I have some
pretty silly strategies

to control my rages,
but unless I control
my love in the first place,
I can't say I'm not
going to blow up.”

“You serious?” she says.
“Doll, I appreciate
your telling me all this,
it's a really good sign,
but you need to go

back, find yourself
another therapist,
and then find yourself
a different word for
what you're calling love.

Sweet-talking me,
then telling me you
might well beat me up,
that isn't love
where I come from.

To maybe get hit
I don't really need
to ask my friends
to fix me up, do I?”


A Modest Proposal for Love

How great was Cheadle in Crash?
The inattentive, even narcissistic,
merit attention and appreciation.
What are “the good sons” anyway
except palms held out differently,
passive aggressive? Better “Me, me, me”
than “You, you, you” with a rider.

All three feel sorry for themselves,
nobody gets enough, greed saw to that.
The only love to be practiced is a
restraint on bickering and complaint,
and sparing with requests—only when
your nickel is worth a dollar to me.
No, not even then, the math's unstable.

So you just go about your business—
you beg your way, while I beg mine—
both of us admitting the mouthfuls
are not what matter at all. However
the cookie crumbles, we're still going
to raven. But let's do so together,
share the nest, remain brothers.


That Early Love We Mourn

What exactly was that
early love we mourn?

I think it was
largely inattention.

We drove around
more with friends,
drank more, fucked more

inattentively

and it was you and me
and romantic gestures
against the world, more;

but is there any chance
we actually loved more

before we took the plunge
and traded all that in
to get to know each other?

We did choose that, right?


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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #42 on: February 26, 2010, 11:34:57 PM » by cherylleverette
I like the last two especially.  Just love all of 'modest proposal' and love the way you analyze love.  'Early Love' is more close to home with verses 6 & 7 written very well.  A fresh look at an age old issue.

cheryl
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: various drafts
« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2010, 05:57:33 AM » by Tom Riordan
thanks for visiting, Cheryl. I appreciate your reactions. tom
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  Re: various drafts
« Reply #44 on: February 27, 2010, 05:35:33 PM » by cherylleverette
An Upstanding Establishment

“Dick Hertz, Dick Hertz,
and Connie Lingus, Connie Lingus,
your tables are ready.”

The new hostess blares
away on the PA system
and everyone else has their laugh.

Welcome to the restaurant business.

Over here, the head waiter
is burying every third check
and keeping the cash.

Over here, the bartender
is swallowing every third pour
and getting smashed.

In the back, the grill-man
is recycling unfinished steaks
as beef kebabs,

and the prep staff trims
the mold off bargain basement
blocks of cheddar.

The sommelier passes out
her business card
with a unblushing wink,

the waitress in the lounge
asks the Texan businessmen,
'Do you cocks want some tail?'

All kinds of magic and mischief
are made here, it's pretty much
anything goes, name your poison.

Cash is king. At one end of the bar
is the chief of police, at the other
the Monsignor and his chippie.

I enjoyed this behind the scenes look at the bar and restaurant business.  Enjoyed Connie Lingus and cock and tails.  Guess I have a dirty mind.  But we all knew that anyway.

cheryl
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

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