harshly gutted words
spill over dusk
precursors of
an evening’s argument

primers
for an unfinished work

stains
never quite
camouflaged

amends that dot the sky during

varying intervals
of aurora and thunder snow





Stella Read
January 23, 2010

All strong and gorgeous, Stella. The end magnificent. Tom

thanks, Tom. pleased you enjoyed.

smiles back to thank silent lotus


Stella

Stella, Exceptional images bolstering the opening first two lines. Wondering if those lines need separation from the following /percursors... as they modify the opening. One more thought and it's the word "dot" Not sure I've a suggestion, but it seems too passive for the interjection of aurora and thunder. What if 'tear'? That doesn't wow  me though.

really nice work.

larry

Nice one, Stella. If 'dot' don't suit then maybe 'fleck' or 'speck'?

milner

Yes, I was thinking speck - if you want to imply minute spots scattering across the sky.

But if you mean the 'dots' stand out against the sky - how about stud?

Very, very nice poem.

'tear' isn't really what I had in mind but will return tomorrow to reread your suggestions, Larry. thank you, much appreciated.


thanks, milner. going to give 'dot' further consideration

how kind of you, Lavonne! will stir the suggestions into morning coffee. for now...sleep calls


Stella

Lovely read Stella, such depth and strength.

Dot works fine for me, though the playful genii on my shoulder suggests I suggest "clot"....

k

Still reading. You could change camouflaged to its noun and let those three lines stand alone. Then strengthen L10 by dropping "that" -- amends dot the sky.

This way dot becomes a stronger verb. Kevin made me think about it differently than before.

Regardless, great poem. A pick.

larry

I am still mulling the word dot.. do appreciate your kindness, Kevin

merci beaucoup, Larry. what a nice surprise! I promise to come back to this soon. love how you've combined the suggestion and will most likely adopt your changes. thanks again


Stella


Stella

Lovely to see this picked Stella.

Curious where your musings will come out...

I really like Larry's suggestion of camouflouge as a noun.

k

I really like the control N has in these abbreviated lines, Stella.


I have a minor nit re: dot, also, but not it's use.
For me, it shows a need for a bit more balance in that line.

Here's a thought you can roundfile if it doesn't work for you.


amends that dot the sky during

varying intervals
of aurora and thunder snow

Some nice poetry going on here, Stella.

Maggie

Love it, Stella, and great to see it up front.

milner