Small birds tweet
on concrete.
The pale fire smokes.

On bended knee,
cowboy would-be
sniffs beans.

Tar-brown grass
under overpass.
The artics roar.

Smoke expelled,
breath exhaled;
all float away.

Good ride here till "artics" and "Stanchions" bounce me off the bronc, Marc. -Tom

Hi Tom.
Couple of little amendments here - stanchions (sp? ) gone. Artic slang here for articulated lorry - not sure if that travels (the word - I know the truck does!).
I'm thinking Midnight Cowboy kinda thing if that helps....

Only a slight offering this, maybe just let it drift away like the air and smoke,
cheers,
Marc

Marc I like that term "artics" but have never heard it before. Might want to cut this after S3, very strong till then but I don't really pick much up that's new from 4-5 -- and better to end on the mystery word maybe. Why semi-colon in L7, esp. after underpunctuation in S2? Tom

marc i like the voice in this  piece, couples well with the frank language.  i agree with tom, i would loose the punctuation throughout, it's almost too busy for the body.  on my first read i doubled back on "artics", and "cowboy would-be" a good line marc. lawrence

Thanks Tom and Lawrence,
I guess I should have workshop-ed this b4 submitting!
Anyway, another couple of minor changes and I've removed punctuation as suggested. I've left capitals in place which hint at direction and flow......
Marc

marc--really like the language throughout this. it draws a great parallel image in my mind of the archetypal western cowboy in a modern cityscape. both landscapes can be desolate and lonely and that comes through strongly here. Seeing the earlier version quoted above using punctuation i understand why you left in the capitals but it tripped me up several times. on first read, before i saw the earlier version it didn't make sense to me why some lines started with a cap and other didn't. other than that, great job!

hi marc;
this one doesn't work for me for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which is your trying to hammer it into three line stanzas.  the breaks make no logical sense.  also, poetry is certainly about "less is more"...but here you've contracted it to a halting shorthand that's not really providing enough information or movement.
sorry.
john

Picked this up again, playing on my mind.  A few little changes.
Maybe clearer now - just a little picture.
Marc

good revision!

Do you mean arctics?  Arctic whats?  I know they're roaring but that's about all.

Hi Rick,
Tom raised the same question (see up the thread). Artic is in common usage over here as shortened form of articulated lorry ie a big truck/juggernaut.

Marc

Much sharpened since last I looked -- or I didn't catch the first time how good it is.

Rick