Sorry, that was me, forgot to say so. Good, unusual poem, as I've said! Tom

Tom, thanks for seeing more in this poem than I did and sharing it with me.
cheryl

silent, thank you for your ever-watching eye.
cheryl

Hey! Look at this heavy duty blast from the past on the Front Page! Congrats, Cheryl. Tom

another fine poem, Cheryl.
congrats on the front page.

tiko

Wow.  wow.  wow.  I'm really speechless.  Thanks so much.  Rick?  Is it?  You have no idea what this means to me.  And I thought everyone was mad at me.

cheryl

Cheryl,  you're rightly pleased to see this on the front page.  I'm going to be unpopular and say it's a surprise, even knowing that taste in poetry is more subjective than taste in fashion.   While I love the concept this never flew because of the "my response" section.  I was hoping it would evolve, clearly that won't happen now but I'd be untrue to my sense of values if I didn't say it.

k   

Thank you. silent.

Kevin, I'd still like to hear your suggestions.  When you say 'evolve', can you be more specific?  You're right, I wouldn't change the poem after when on the front page. chosen by an editor, out of respect for him.  But just because a poem's on the front page doesn't mean it dies there.  There is an afterlife.  If you'll tell me what you wish you'd read or give me an example, I might choose to change it elsewhere.  Respecting an editor's choice doesn't mean I don't have a mind of my own, or have a set of values of my own.

Thanks for your comment,
cheryl

interesting how this poem evolved (as seen through the comments)
the meaning is still a mystery to me but I keep reading it
so mission accomplished
it's unique

Cheryl,  great response, and true to you and your poem.  I don't know exactly how I'd change it and I fear this is gong to come out sounding cruel when it's intended to be open.

So, there are two things that jar bad for me.  The "my response" section.   If the first line in s2 was from a great novel it would feel balanced with s1.   But "unbelievable and frightening" feel immediately judgemental and that clashes with the opening lines (which I love) which talk of swopping plots.....  The whole of the "my response" section feels stark and judgemental..... Too stark and too judgemental too soon is my impression undermining the brilliant opening and making me feel it's a set up.

Then the closing lines with all those gerunds just die for me.  It feels mushy, there's no death there, no debasement, just description.  You could have done something brilliant and brought the poem full circle by maybe using redemption  - Ending with something like:

"This water isn't the redeeming kind"

Sorry if this is coming out tough love.   It just amazes me that editors find something front page special here where I find a good poem, work-in-progress to excellent.   

k

Kevin, thank you for caring about my feelings.  But whatever or however you did or said, my feelings aren't hurt.  You've given me alot to think about.  The funny thing is that when I write a poem I don't think about 'doing something brilliant'.  My goal is to convey a movement, thought, or emotion in a way that's clear and comprehensive.  Maybe I should think about brilliancy more often.

I will certainly be thinking about your reply...with no hurt feelings.  Thank you.

cheryl

Actually I'm just glad and honored that you read the poem and chose to reply.  Means alot to me.

 

Big thanks Cheryl,  greatly value your noble reply.   However this changes in the future it's wonderful to think how your voice has strengthened and developed and now been honoured with front page recognition.  I celebrate that journey - and the journey to come - with great delight.

k

What a wonderful reply, Kevin.  Thank you so much.  And thanks for recognizing the journey.  May not have traveled far, and maybe not as far as some, but traveled.

cheryl