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  in the religion
« on: March 07, 2010, 10:36:13 PM » by Tom Riordan
in the religion
of drinking

comparisons
of alcohol's avatars

as if their essences
were not identical

are a bit of a laugh
to the clear-eyed

who just divide
spirit by price

as all the clever
theologians

are a laugh
to people whose

God reached
into the poisoned

whirlpool of
their existence

and pulled them
bare-knuckled

white-knuckled
out.
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  Re: in the religion
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2010, 11:26:42 PM » by cherylleverette
I like this very much.  Mostly because the last 5 stanzas are evidence that the narrator does indeed know what it's like to be saved by God.

Can truthfully say I'm glad you wrote this.  Means alot.

cheryl
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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: in the religion
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2010, 05:53:36 PM » by Tom Riordan
Thanks for the read, Cheryl. Glad you enjoyed...Tom
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  Re: in the religion
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2010, 06:26:40 PM » by John Yamrus
tom, i'm not sure about you last line...not sure that keeping it as a single line is the best idea...continuing with the two line stanza you;ve used, would give you the slight pause you need between "white-knuckled" and "out".

white-knuckled
out.
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  Re: in the religion
« Reply #4 on: March 09, 2010, 06:54:18 PM » by Tom Riordan
Thanks very much for the suggestion, John. I made the change, will see how it feels....Tom
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  Re: in the religion
« Reply #5 on: March 09, 2010, 07:16:51 PM » by cherylleverette
Can I throw my two cents in?  Ok, I will.  Tom I really like this poem, and I like the white/bare knuckles but I'm not particularly fond of those last two stanzas.  It's just uncomfortable.  Can you make your point without putting them so close together?


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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: in the religion
« Reply #6 on: March 09, 2010, 08:01:09 PM » by Tom Riordan
Two cents always welcome, C.! This is a pretty hairy thing I'm describing here, so that aspect of uncomfortable belongs, but as far as how it hits the ear etc., let me go listen and think...Thanks. Tom
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 (Read 387 times) [1]
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