A romantic rests beneath a canopy,
listening intently to his teacher
as he lectures of empty cynic dusks.
He recites intently and profoundly,
“All the world is but a will to power.”
Then he continues to explain; “We are...
nature’s trifling insignificance.
Are we not but a plague amongst balance?
Hands that murder, minds that scheme, eyes that lust.”
But despite all of his knowledge attained,
he withdrew to a young student’s silence
when the romantic turned his expression
and very peacefully proposed a thought;
“If man was not, would nature’s beauty be?”

sorry david...this may end up getting moved to the workshop.  i'll leave it up for a while to get some more feedback.  my first thoughts on this are that you're taking yourself way too seriously and trying to write what you THINK poetry should sound like, instead of writing poetry.  sorry.
john

I don't understand though, why?

I know it doesn't sound much like contemporary poetry but what other?

David,

welcome to PC.  it seems like you are trying too hard.  i would recommend you take a step back, think about what you want to say, and say it as plainly as possible.  that should get you started.  once you do that, you will have something you can build from. 

the workshop is a good place to be.  i have stuff in the workshop, and most people on this site use it.  it's not a demotion of any kind, it just says this needs to be worked on more. 

I would also recommend reading some of the poetry on this site.  it is quite varied, and i'm sure you will find some good examples of contemporary poetry. then, you can find a style you like and practice writing to that style.  it's a good way to start.

BTW, John Yamrus, the person who first responded to your poem, is a very accomplished author, whose been writing poetry for 20 years.  he just published his 19th book.  I would recommend reading him first. 

welcome and good luck.

tiko

    and, david, excuse me for not properly welcoming you to the site before tearing your poem apart...but, maybe that in itself was your own welcome to the site.  in all fairness, Poetry Circle can be tough.  it's not a site for beginners and it's not a site for the thin of skin.  there's a LOT of good people here.  people you can learn a lot from.  keep your eyes open and your mind open and you can learn a lot.
     one thing PC is NOT is a social site where all people are interested in hearing is "great write"...and "got more?".  people here are genuinely interested in moving their poetry forward...taking steps into sometimes uncharted territories.
    so, welcome.
     and, Tiko...you hit the nail on the head about my 19th book...but you were a little off on how long i've been doing this.  my first book came out in 1970.  i am now officially older than dirt.
     once again, david...welcome.
john
     

John, very good comment. As is the case, a good poem is a flow of words from one' heart. One can write a poem but one can never make a poem. Ans I also appreciate the other comments. One mroe word, I am David, but not the David who wrote the poem. Best regards.

Welcome!

I like the battle between the Romantic and the cynic.  It's fertile ground for poetry.  A lot of reductionists seem to go into teaching, and there's a natural conflict between them and those who are more visceral in their approach to life.  Still, I'm wondering if your poem would benefit from being more literary -- a verbal combat between two people rather than two positions.  If you have a specific incident in mind, you might return to the actual words.  As one teacher of mine once said, the bigger the topic, the smaller you write.

Rick

Rick,

Thank you for the feedback. Would you please clarify what you mean by " Still, I'm wondering if your poem would benefit from being more literary -- a verbal combat between two people rather than two positions."

I understand the part about writing more minimally, but I don't think I understand what you mean here