Two dogs, heavy in the rain,

roam past a fence

before the big one turns
to snap at the little one

and leaves it whining
on the slates of a gutter,

almost falling in.

The little one
sponges up the rainwater and
watches the big one stomp off.

Then it stammers to its feet
and goes the other way.

I look down
at the welcome mat under my butt

waiting for either
the rain to stop or
the car to pull up

and figure I should do the same.

Kyle, a smooth read down to the 2nd to last stanza, which is a real treat, the narrator as dog too. The last line I find ambiguous, and it feels fine that way, but on the other hand, I wish I knew what to attach it to grammatically, "pull up" or "go the other way" or something else. Tom

Thanks for the read Tom.  I know what you mean.  I want to connect the narrator's action with the dog's but that isn't syntactically clear.  I'd cut the second to last strophe but I feel that that would render the welcome mat meaningless. 

How does read it without that strophe?

Two dogs, heavy in the rain,

roam past a fence

before the big one turns
to snap at the little one

and leaves it whining
on the slates of a gutter,

almost falling in.

The little one
sponges up the rainwater and
watches the big one stomp off.

Then it stammers to its feet
and goes the other way.

I look down
at the welcome mat under my butt

and figure I should do the same.

no, I love that S!

Good.  I do too.  Okay I have an idea.

Two dogs, heavy in the rain,

roam past a fence

before the big one turns
to snap at the little one

and leaves it whining
on the slates of a gutter,

almost falling in.

The little one
sponges up the rainwater and
watches the big one stomp off.

Then it stammers to its feet
and goes the other way.

I look down
at the welcome mat under my butt

as I wait for either
the rain to stop or
the car to pull up

figuring maybe I should do the same.

Is that syntax clearer?

yes.

maybe "maybe" for "that" to smoothe that line?

Ah.  Good call.  Thank you.  I've modified that post.

Welcome to the site Kyle! I like this little vignette.  The only word that bugs me is 'stammers', which for me refers to sound rather than action.  Maybe this little dog staggers to his feet or hesitates as he rises?

Good one.

I'm a dog guy, Kyle and I liked the immediacy of this poem...I think you want 'staggers' as Lavonne suggests and I would ditch that last line.  In doing so, you allow the poem to feel infinite, as if the narrator is still waiting there long after the reader is gone.

Just my thoughts,
Tim

Lavonne, thank you for correcting that vocab misstep.  Clarity is extremely important to my poetry.  I'm mad at myself for making that mistake.

Tim, I looked at the piece minus the last line.  Without it there is no satisfactorily explicit connection between the narrator's situation and the dogs'.  I'm trying to make the welcome mat his storm drain.  Does this work?

Thanks for the feedback guys.  Here's a revision:

Two dogs, heavy in the rain,

tramp past a fence

before the bitch snaps
at the small mutt

and leaves him whining
on the slates of a storm drain,

almost falling in.

He
sponges up the rainwater and
watches her stomp off.

Then he staggers to his feet
and goes the other way.

I look down
at the welcome mat under my butt

as I wait
to get sucked in

figuring maybe I should do the same.

     i want you all to keep an eye on Kyle.  i've been following his poetry for about a year or so.  this kid is the real deal.
john

Very cool.

Kyle, as with any writing, it is ultimately the author's choice and you need not worry about pleasing the rest of us here.  It is your poem and your creative voice, you make it work for you.  I'm impressed with your willingness to look at your work critically and see possibilities.

When I was teaching, I would tell my students, "You will disregard 2/3s of the critique you hear, and the other 1/3, you'll entertain."

I look forward to more of your work.

Tim

Kyle, I think most readers here expect the newest version of an evolving poem at the top of the post, which you adjust with Modify, and you or readers can preserve the earlier versions using the Reply with Quote button. Tom

Tom, thanks for the info.  Another circle I frequent abides by the opposite protocol.  Thanks for all the help too.

Tim, yes, I am at heart a critic.  I am going to school to become a journalist so I may eventually become a music critic.  If that fails then I'll go to law school, another critical field.  I am most creative when I am most critical.  I rely on other critical people like John Yamrus to help out with that process.  Thanks so much for the feedback, Timothy, Tom, and everybody else.  I am very much enjoying this place.