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  summer mid dream
« on: June 04, 2010, 10:40:35 AM » by milner place

seahorses
riding the current by

cast smiles
with fishy eyes

rolling
with laughter
and the joy
of sea

climbing ashore
there’s found a bound
of kangaroos
that breaks
to scatter
over waves
of ever-sighing
dunes

there stalk
the winding snakes
on sand
that glistens
with a myriad of gems

then come
the busy postmen
of the flowers
with vibrant
conversation
buzz the air

and swift
the swallows
dip
and dive

how the sun races over the sky

to sink

with silent
tolling of a bell

to wake
and put
the coffee on

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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2010, 10:50:03 AM » by Tiko Lewis
love the journey in this one. 
love the 'reference to bees'.
well crafted that part.  love the
tolling of the bell.

stumbled on l1 and l2 of S4.
but, got through it ok on
second try.

thanks,

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2010, 10:53:03 AM » by Tom Riordan
Milner, I especially love the roos' S, and "stalk/the winding snakes/on sand", and the last 7 lines' metaphorizing of the sun and a human's mind. Tom
seahorses
riding the current by

cast smiles
with fishy eyes

rolling
with laughter
and the joy
of sea

climbing ashore
there’s found a bound
of kangaroos
that breaks
to scatter
over waves
of ever-sighing
dunes

there stalk
the winding snakes
on sand
that glistens
with a myriad of gems

then come
the busy postmen
of the flowers
with vibrant
conversation
buzz the air

and swift
the swallows
dip
and dive

how the sun races over the sky

to sink

with silent
tolling of a bell

to wake
and put
the coffee on


Logged

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2010, 10:55:02 AM » by Cameron Butler
This poem is fun. I like the way it dips its toes in the water and runs through the dune grass in the morning light.
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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #4 on: June 04, 2010, 11:01:19 AM » by Peter.R
Apparently the collective noun for a group of kangaroos is a mob, troop, or court (I've just found out lol) but I must say I think a bound of kangaroos is better!  A lovely stanza in which it resonates wonderfully.

climbing ashore
there’s found a bound
of kangaroos
that breaks
to scatter
over waves
of ever-sighing
dunes

A delight of a dream.  Much to savour here, may well have to comment further
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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #5 on: June 04, 2010, 02:25:14 PM » by milner place
So far so good - thanks guys. Yes, I understand the stumble there, Tiko, but that you surmounted it pleaseth me.

I must to confess to feeling a mite smug, Peter, when 'bound' came into my head as a collective noun (guess that may have tripped up Tiko). May it ever reach Australia, and catch on?

Thanks again all

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #6 on: June 04, 2010, 05:18:05 PM » by Peter.R


I must to confess to feeling a mite smug, Peter, when 'bound' came into my head as a collective noun (guess that may have tripped up Tiko). May it ever reach Australia, and catch on?


milner


Found myself browsing collective nouns.  An aarmory of aardvarks, A skulk  of foxes, A ballet of swans, not just animals: A boast of soldiers, A clutch of wrestlers.  Makes one wonder about the poetic thought that went into creating the older traditional ones too.  And yep in these days of jet travel and internet, I wouldn't be surprised if a bound of kangaroos is already currency in an outback bar right now!

http://www.ojohaven.com/collectives/

http://www.hintsandthings.co.uk/kennel/collectives.htm





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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #7 on: June 09, 2010, 05:46:15 PM » by Lawrence Gladeview
milner a quest worth taking and much enjoyable at that.  i was thinking on S3, 'joy of the sea' for me is implied is S1, wondering if 'rolling with laughter' could start S4, transitioning to the shore.  in keeping up with the tone, also thinking that dropping 'the' from last line might serve well, considering my eyes want to read a 'a' between 'with' and 'silent'.  as always, cast these thoughts into the mighty sea as you please! vivid travels milner. lawrence
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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2010, 09:37:40 PM » by larry jordan
The sound in this stays in step with the line breaks, almost magically. The imagery is quite  stunning. Might consider glistens in the singular in S5. Enjoyed the read, the ride. Needs to be picked, so I shall.

larry
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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #9 on: June 10, 2010, 07:46:20 AM » by milner place
Thanks, Lawrence, I'll give thought to those matter. So often in my writing, choice or decisions on words relate to how I hear the poem, and sound is important to me.

Thanks, Larry, that you've chosen to pick it makes my day. I'd 'glistens' relating to 'sand', rather than 'snakes', but maybe it would be better the other way. A bit of pondering before making a decision.

Cheers

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #10 on: June 10, 2010, 08:18:36 AM » by silent lotus
dear Milner

i am enjoying the busy postmen and the seashores

silent lotus



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  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #11 on: June 10, 2010, 09:55:06 AM » by milner place
Ed, Todd Moore noted the movement in much of my stuff. I think it comes from not 'thinking' during the first drafts - letting the brain run on through its tenuous connections - keeping the 'thoughts' for later. Thanks.

SL, your illustrations are ever beautiful and revealing.

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #12 on: June 10, 2010, 10:27:32 AM » by milner place
Thanks, Ed. I avoided using 'stream of consciousness' in relation to the process, because there is an element of discipline in the drafts, coming from practice, which that expression doesn't imply. Years back, the 'stream' would probably have been apt, because the process would have gone through a series of notes. I rarely need to do that now. Whether or no that would be true if I ventured into a completely new 'style' is problematic.

Cheers

milner
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'Caminante, no hay camino,
se hace camino al andar'
- Antonio Machado

Latest book 'naked invitation' $15 or £10, p&p inc milnerplace@msn.com

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #13 on: June 10, 2010, 05:30:43 PM » by Rick Stansberger
So much life in these lines!

Rick
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Rick's fifth book is out:  Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

  Re: summer mid dream
« Reply #14 on: June 10, 2010, 11:15:55 PM » by Jay Dougherty
It was my turn to pick the front page poem this week, and this gem made the task so easy, Milner. The rhythms and music in this poem are delightful. So many musical twists and turns. It's delightful to listen to, and we'll have to get you to read it for us so that we can post an accompanying audio.

I picked this before reading a single comment. Now I get to go back and read the comments to see whether listeners heard what I did.
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I do not like to write. I like to have written. --Gloria Steinam

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