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  At the agricultural show
« on: June 16, 2010, 01:45:37 PM » by David C. Man
Faces red from wind and rain,
squeezed in unaccustomed suits,
Corlett, Callow, Quayle, Cain

mingle on the tented plain -
acclamations and salutes.
Faces red from wind and rain,

stages in the long campaign,
merry peasants, big galoots,
Corlett, Callow, Quayle, Cain.

Men like this, they sweat and strain,
dipping sheep and docking moots,
faces red from wind and rain.

They take today to entertain
themselves with frivolous pursuits,
Corlett, Callow, Quayle, Cain.

Tomorrow they'll be out again,
man and nature in cahoots,
faces red from wind and rain,
Corlett, Callow, Quayle, Cain.
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2010, 03:55:38 PM » by Thomas Thurman
I like this, and the music you make out of the men's names.  S1, S2 and S6 flow particularly well.  One thing I find a little distracting is the sudden enjambment in S5; I wonder whether it would flow better endstopped like the rest of the poem (I think "entertain" can be intransitive, can't it? so "they take today to entertain" can stand as a clause).  Or perhaps if S4 began "Men like this, who sweat and strain", you could run the sentence right through S4 to S5 and so the "entertain" line wouldn't stand out as unusual.  That way you'd also lose the slightly awkward "they" at the start of S4.  (On the other hand, I know some people who would see such a run-on thought between stanzas as a fault in a villanelle.)  Anyway, nice work!
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2010, 04:29:18 PM » by David C. Man
Thanks for that, Thomas. I'm rather vague on the rules appertaining to villanelles. I'm just glad that, having stumbled into one, I managed to find my way out at the other end.

Anyway, I'll have a think about your helpful suggestions.

Cheers

David
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2010, 05:22:09 PM » by Tom Riordan
very much enjoyed, david. tom
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2010, 01:14:47 PM » by David C. Man
 
very much enjoyed, david. tom
Thank'ee kindly, sorr. [Tugs forelock in time-honoured agricultural labourer's fashion.]
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #5 on: June 17, 2010, 03:28:32 PM » by Tom Riordan
David, two relatively weak points, for me, are "Men like this" and the combination "entertain" and "frivolous." Tom
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2010, 04:15:35 PM » by Rick Stansberger
I'm surprised this hasn't been picked.  It's a very nice melding of form and tone.

Rick
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Rick's fifth book is out:  Gizmo--love, loss and the passion to know--in the first part of the last century.

  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2010, 07:32:58 AM » by David C. Man
That's very nice of you, Rick. Thank you.

Tom, sorry, I'd missed your previous remarks. If the points you refer to bother you, they bother me. I'll have a look at them.

Cheers

David
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2010, 12:18:04 AM » by Lavonne Westbrooks
A different sort of poem for the Front Page this week. I too, like the tone, the rhythm of this piece.
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #9 on: June 24, 2010, 06:47:48 AM » by Tom Riordan
congrats, David! enjoying this some more now. Tom
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2010, 08:52:56 AM » by larry jordan
Lovely sounds, wonderful pick!
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #11 on: June 24, 2010, 02:29:59 PM » by David C. Man
I am extremely surprised and very flattered to find this here.

Thank you very much.

Cheers all

David
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #12 on: June 25, 2010, 09:05:11 AM » by Dax








Welcome, David.

Thank you— much appreciated.


dr




.
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“Always be nice to bankers. Always be nice to pension fund managers. Always be nice to the media. In that order.” - John Gotti

  At the agricultural show
« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2010, 10:03:16 AM » by Michelle Beth Cronk
Nice to see this on the front page - nicely done David!  Michelle
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  Re: At the agricultural show
« Reply #14 on: June 25, 2010, 10:24:33 AM » by Scott Douglas
this is the first structured poem I've read on the front page. 
good job!

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 (Read 1947 times) [1] 2  All
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