The beetle kept pushing,
rolling, pushing, rolling.
He just sensed
it was all downhill from the top.
Just before he crested
the shit fell apart.
Should he crawl onwards
empty mandibled,
or go back, gather new dung
and push it up
all over again?

ha, interesting subject matter.
will come back to this. first
read, no nits.

tiko

Marc, like this a lot! L3 can be cut, I think, actually compromises L4 a bit, but seems unnecessary anyway. Capital "I" at L5 a typo? -Tom

empty mandibled!! gotta love that

enjoyed the read, marc


Stella

Thanks Stella, Tom and Tiko. Yup, cap I wrong and now corrected. I'm still thinking about this - it was a quick write and needs something more I feel...
Marc

marc,

what's missing for me is something new - a new image or idea that maybe one wouldn't associate with this particular type of beetle. show or tell me something new that makes me think......this just tells me what I already know......a hint of what could be though is "empty mandibled" - I like that too....

M

marc i agree with tom here, i would cut L3 or slip a 'when asked' there.  the beetle so real and his effort is felt with the reader, an individual picture of obstacle.  abstract and intrinsic.  lawrence

I take this as a metaphor on life.

i agree with scott,s comments,especially the last2 lines that seemed to struck a cord about the unpredictability of life.

Thanks guys (and Michelle of course!).
In truth it's a metaphor for marriage....... I'll leave it there!
Marc

I had a five hour gig today, playing drums and sax in the hot sun
and I was thinking of this poem.

Hah!: I had a gig at a party in a beautiful house on Dartmoor on Friday night (playing mandolin and percussion). And this poem didn't come to mind at all! My sympathies are with you!

Couple of minor amendments one being the title. Mainly to avoid too much repetition of shit (no one like repeating shit...)

Marc

The new version is tighter, Marc. Might you title it 'Project Sisyphus', or 'Sisyphus Syndrome'? Did the beautiful house on Dartmoor have barred windows?

milner

I like that idea Milner. I will make it so (as they say in Star Trek....)!

The house was Lutyens-esque with granite mullioned windows looking over Rhodedendrons and a candle-lit lake.
Beats playing to a bunch of drunks in a noisy pub....

Interesting read.  thanks!