final revision:





disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs

             stairs
     climb
to

later
  to bathe
brush
  shake
 
and press
a smile to

sage eyes
and
humid lashes



Stella Read
August 11, 2010







third revision:

guesswork



disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs


                                                 stairs
                             climb
             to


later
  to bathe
brush
    shake and hang

a smile
pressed into
sage eyes

humid lashes
curls unstrung

and home again
before too long








second revision:

guesswork

disguised by humour
the wandering stirs

          stairs
    climb
to

with arms full

later
  to bathe
rinse
  brush
    shake and hang

a smile
pressed into
sage eyes

humid lashes
curls unstrung

and home again
without regret



original:

guesswork



disguised by humour

the wandering stirs
          stairs
    climb
to

with arms full

later
  to bathe
rinse
  brush
    shake and hang

a smile
pressed into
sage eyes

humid lashes
curls unstrung

and home again
without regret

delightful, Stella.  

for my ear, it reads a little
better without 'stirs'.
also, not sure where 'to'
in S2, is referring.  

am thinking a line break
at 'stairs' could remedy it,
and it could just be me,
as usual. :)


STILL, love this.  

tiko

It was me!  i just got it.

maybe you could insert 'that' if it doesn't interfere with your vibe.

'the wandering stirs
                    THAT
             stairs
      climb 
 to'  

thanks,

tiko

Just about echo all of Tiko's comments and suggestions on this, Stella. Especially 'still love it'.

milner

Lovely, Stella. A bit mysterious to me but the end still comes through. Tom

thank you, tiko. I've left 'stirs' and made some changes in the line breaks. let me know if it's any clearer now.

appreciated, milner. have made a couple of changes but not exactly what was suggested.

merci, Tom. mysterious is okay as a tease... as long as it comes through in the end (oh, what am I saying!) but you know what I mean, I hope.


Stella

Stella,

i also think stirs should stay. i happily withdraw that suggestion.

but

it's somewhat confusing to read:

the wandering stirs stairs climb to with arms full

and think maybe adding 'that' would help:

the wandering stirs that stairs climb to with arms full

i think the original comment came out of the initial readings of that line without 'that'.
that's all. :)

thanks,

tiko

I guess I wanted it to read..... to climb stairs... but wanted to go up

             stairs
     climb
to

rather than

to
   climb
       stairs



I thought the line break accented those words enough to make it clear

will see what I can do to tweak those lines. thanks, tiko

ha, makes sense.  can't say i would start at 'to'. 
i'm thinking, will let you know if i come up with
any ideas.


thanks,

tiko

disguised by humour
the wandering stirs
                                    stairs
                              climb
                          to
     
and then figure out how to continue from "stairs"?
tom

I hope I haven't climbed too far from the original. really liked the idea of moving the stairs, Tom.

tiko, thanks for further suggestions, should any present themselves. I think I'm finished with this one, for now at least.


Stella

the climbing works very well, Stella.
wonderful editing, ma'am.

tiko

After a tiny bit of eye fumbling, it worked for me.

i can climb the stairs more easily with last spacing revision.

Stella, I can't resolve what's disguised or how humor is doing it?

I love 'disguised by humor' -- right on point.  And 'to climb stairs' reads simply for me anyway you put it, really, but the closer in version is easier on the eye, I suppose.  Very fine writing, Stella.

cheryl

Stella, Go bacik to your original "to climb stairs". It works and works well.

Consider ending with sage eyes and humid lashes. (Brilliant image) What's there now sounds a bit cliché.

Nice. Maggie

disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs

             stairs
     climb
to

later
  to bathe
brush
  shake
 
and press
a smile to

sage eyes
and
humid lashes

a solid pick, Stella.

thanks,

tiko

thanks for pulling this one out of the dust, tiko

I hadn't realized how many responses I'd missed and also that it had been picked
thank you!

appreciate your words, Rick

nice to hear from you, Lynn. thanks

it was meant to express the strange moods/humours of the subject, Larry. humour precedes the wandering. do you think I should rework that line? anyway, thanks. good eye.

I guess you didn't have a problem with the line, cheryl. thank you for such a kind review.

Maggie, you are an amazing editor. I mean that. love what you've suggested!
will adopt those changes.



Stella

Stella, good revision here, despite pain of cutting that last S. Tom