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  Re: guesswork
« Reply #15 on: August 16, 2010, 06:34:00 AM » by cherylleverette
I love 'disguised by humor' -- right on point.  And 'to climb stairs' reads simply for me anyway you put it, really, but the closer in version is easier on the eye, I suppose.  Very fine writing, Stella.

cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis

  Re: guesswork
« Reply #16 on: September 02, 2010, 11:19:50 PM » by maggie flanagan-wilkie
Stella, Go bacik to your original "to climb stairs". It works and works well.

Consider ending with sage eyes and humid lashes. (Brilliant image) What's there now sounds a bit cliché.

Nice. Maggie

disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs

             stairs
     climb
to

later
  to bathe
brush
  shake
 
and press
a smile to

sage eyes
and
humid lashes


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  Re: guesswork
« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2010, 04:13:58 PM » by Tiko Lewis



disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs


                                                 stairs
                             climb
             to


later
  to bathe
brush
    shake and hang

a smile
pressed into
sage eyes

humid lashes
curls unstrung

and home again
before too long




Stella Read
August 11, 2010





a solid pick, Stella.

thanks,

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.

  Re: guesswork
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2010, 06:11:05 PM » by StellaR


thanks for pulling this one out of the dust, tiko

I hadn't realized how many responses I'd missed and also that it had been picked
thank you!

appreciate your words, Rick

nice to hear from you, Lynn. thanks

it was meant to express the strange moods/humours of the subject, Larry. humour precedes the wandering. do you think I should rework that line? anyway, thanks. good eye.

I guess you didn't have a problem with the line, cheryl. thank you for such a kind review.

Maggie, you are an amazing editor. I mean that. love what you've suggested!
will adopt those changes.



Stella



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“Logical argument is what destroys poetry because poetry is beyond logic.” Robert Graves

  Re: guesswork
« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2010, 11:45:15 PM » by Tom Riordan
Quote
disguised by humour
the wanderer stirs

             stairs
     climb
to

later
  to bathe
brush
  shake
 
and press
a smile to

sage eyes
and
humid lashes

Stella, good revision here, despite pain of cutting that last S. Tom
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