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  fallen
« on: August 12, 2010, 08:02:24 AM » by cherylleverette


stark white pavement
three stillborn pecans
wrapped in olive velvet


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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2010, 12:14:22 PM » by Lynn Doiron
Love the poem.  Not certain 'holds' is needed. [?]

Wondered about a more startling title.  My first thought was 'stillborn' --- but mightn't work for this. 
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry
  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2010, 12:24:42 PM » by Sue Lozynskyj
Love this. 

My mind wandered all round these trifles
waiting for night
to carry one away to my nest
and try my teeth on it.
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Chance favours the prepared mind: Louis Pasteur
  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2010, 12:45:44 PM » by Tiko Lewis
Love this as well.  agree with Lynn on 'hold'.
was thinking something like 'vagrant' or
'stray':

three vagrant pecans
or
three stray pecans

an excellent write, nonetheless.

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.
  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2010, 01:49:28 PM » by Lynn Doiron

stark white pavement
three pecans
wrapped in olive velvet

[very haiku-ish]
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My blogs:
http://lwww.lynndoiron.wordpress.com for memoir/journal/poetry
  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2010, 03:42:46 PM » by Tom Riordan
Sure, keep it simple. Lovely and strong image, Cheryl. Tom
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  Re: fallen too early
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2010, 05:46:22 PM » by bodkin
Ho about swapping L2 and L3 because:

1) more suspense getting to the meaning
2) perfect haiku syllables 5-7-5

although the syllables can be flexible in haiku and losing "holds" appeals to me also

HTH

Ian
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In fifteen minutes everybody famous will be in the future...
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2010, 11:43:01 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: Lynn Doiron on August 12, 2010, 12:14:22 PM
Love the poem.  Not certain 'holds' is needed. [?]

Wondered about a more startling title.  My first thought was 'stillborn' --- but mightn't work for this. 

'stillborn' is good, Lynn.  I'm using it.  Do you think fallen is too much too?

Thanks,
cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2010, 11:44:09 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: Sue Lozynskyj on August 12, 2010, 12:24:42 PM
Love this. 

My mind wandered all round these trifles
waiting for night
to carry one away to my nest
and try my teeth on it.


Love your reply, Sue.  Beautiful.  What do you think of the poem now.  Have I tainted it?

Thanks,
cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2010, 11:45:01 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: Tiko Lewis on August 12, 2010, 12:45:44 PM
Love this as well.  agree with Lynn on 'hold'.
was thinking something like 'vagrant' or
'stray':

three vagrant pecans
or
three stray pecans

an excellent write, nonetheless.

tiko

Thanks, Tiko.  What do you think of 'fallen'?

cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2010, 11:45:39 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: Tom Riordan on August 12, 2010, 03:42:46 PM
Sure, keep it simple. Lovely and strong image, Cheryl. Tom

Thanks, Tom.
cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2010, 11:46:18 PM » by Tiko Lewis
i think you can actually use stillborn!

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #12 on: August 12, 2010, 11:48:12 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: bodkin on August 12, 2010, 05:46:22 PM
Ho about swapping L2 and L3 because:

1) more suspense getting to the meaning
2) perfect haiku syllables 5-7-5

although the syllables can be flexible in haiku and losing "holds" appeals to me also

HTH

Ian

Ian, tks for your generous reply.  I'm afraid to change the lines -- may muddle what's olive velvet.  Know what I mean?  

Tks so much,
cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #13 on: August 12, 2010, 11:49:21 PM » by cherylleverette
Quote from: Tiko Lewis on August 12, 2010, 11:46:18 PM
i think you can actually use stillborn!

tiko

Eh?  Does that mean you like it as is?

lol

cheryl

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"I have no intention of explaining how the correspondence which I now offer to the public fell into my hands....The sort of script which is used...can be very easily obtained by anyone who has learned the knack...."~C.S.Lewis
  Re: stillborn
« Reply #14 on: August 13, 2010, 12:08:51 AM » by Tiko Lewis
i would like fallen to be replaced with stillborn, but yes.

tiko
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...i don't eat jelly beans afterward.
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