---

                
If I read the Bible
as religiously
as I read you
I would be a better person...
or would I?


I really can't let go of you
of the vision, the hallucination
the psychoticism
I'd rather choose the way
of the insane
than to let go
of my pretending
that even one scrimpy inch
of you spoke to me
about me, of me

---

Cheryl, I like that S3, maybe more in that vein too. Tom

Cheryl, like this, for me and just my own recent reading i am starting to wonder about the strength of the open ended question as an ending. It seems easy to leave it that way, putting it on the reader instead of coming to a conclusion.  I find myself doing that often in my writing and trying to stop it, so like i said maybe just my own personal view at play but wonder if the ending lines could be stronger if a statement or conclusion of some sort. like this though from start down -

for me, the first two stanzas
sound like journal entries.
nit much there for me.  i
think the entire poem can be
S3.

just my personal tastes. feel free
to ignore.

thanks,

tiko

Thanks Tom.  I may have to cut the first two, but I'll wait a bit.

cheryl

Hi Casey.  Thanks for your input.  I've changed the ending to say closer to what I mean.  Hope it helps.

cheryl

Tiko, thank you.  The entire poem may end up as you say, but I won't jump into anything.  I changed much of the previous.  Maybe that will help.  Maybe it won't.

Sorry about the journal entry thing.

cheryl

I was wide awake at 6:30 am wanting to delete those first two verses.  They embarrass me, like I've shown my underwear or something.  I said I would wait.  Well, I did -- overnight.  But I think the poem is embarrassed too.

Rick, said something about letting a poem tell me.  I think it did.  After all, poems have underwear too.

And when I think back, the original idea was only the last verse.

So, thanks Tom and Tiko, for giving me a dose of reality.

cheryl

I wonder if this can be combined somehow with "this might be one" in Workshop?

not
always
do i find my true self
between words and dashes
of the bible
                
yet
if i read it
as religiously
as i read you
i would be a better person...
or would I?


dear Cheryl
sometimes a hue of our undergarments
is an enigmatic gift.

here a sketch from your lines
to toss around and of course into
the circular files if you wish.

i have also played with the lower and uppercase i I


summer laughter
silent lotus

This cut down version is very effective, Cheryl.

Cheers

milner

I think that might be a good idea.  Funny you would say that.  Both poems are about the same thing.

Thanks very much, Tom.  Any suggestions are welcome.  I'll do what I can and see what you think.

cheryl

silent, thanks for your input and for reading and commenting.

milner, thanks so much.

cheryl

I've combined the two pieces.  If the order doesn't work well, please let me know.

Thanks,
cheryl

ah you've changed it
was very taken with the version I read last evening but was too tired to comment.
too bad you've removed it from the thread. would love to compare



Stella