---

                
If I read the Bible
as religiously
as I read you
I would be a better person...
or would I?


I really can't let go of you
of the vision, the hallucination
the psychoticism
I'd rather choose the way
of the insane
than to let go
of my pretending
that even one scrimpy inch
of you spoke to me
about me, of me

---

Cheryl, I like that S3, maybe more in that vein too. Tom

Cheryl, like this, for me and just my own recent reading i am starting to wonder about the strength of the open ended question as an ending. It seems easy to leave it that way, putting it on the reader instead of coming to a conclusion.  I find myself doing that often in my writing and trying to stop it, so like i said maybe just my own personal view at play but wonder if the ending lines could be stronger if a statement or conclusion of some sort. like this though from start down -

for me, the first two stanzas
sound like journal entries.
nit much there for me.  i
think the entire poem can be
S3.

just my personal tastes. feel free
to ignore.

thanks,

tiko

Thanks Tom.  I may have to cut the first two, but I'll wait a bit.

cheryl

Hi Casey.  Thanks for your input.  I've changed the ending to say closer to what I mean.  Hope it helps.

cheryl

Tiko, thank you.  The entire poem may end up as you say, but I won't jump into anything.  I changed much of the previous.  Maybe that will help.  Maybe it won't.

Sorry about the journal entry thing.

cheryl

I was wide awake at 6:30 am wanting to delete those first two verses.  They embarrass me, like I've shown my underwear or something.  I said I would wait.  Well, I did -- overnight.  But I think the poem is embarrassed too.

Rick, said something about letting a poem tell me.  I think it did.  After all, poems have underwear too.

And when I think back, the original idea was only the last verse.

So, thanks Tom and Tiko, for giving me a dose of reality.

cheryl

I wonder if this can be combined somehow with "this might be one" in Workshop?

not
always
do i find my true self
between words and dashes
of the bible
                
yet
if i read it
as religiously
as i read you
i would be a better person...
or would I?


dear Cheryl
sometimes a hue of our undergarments
is an enigmatic gift.

here a sketch from your lines
to toss around and of course into
the circular files if you wish.

i have also played with the lower and uppercase i I


summer laughter
silent lotus

This cut down version is very effective, Cheryl.

Cheers

milner

I think that might be a good idea.  Funny you would say that.  Both poems are about the same thing.

Thanks very much, Tom.  Any suggestions are welcome.  I'll do what I can and see what you think.

cheryl

silent, thanks for your input and for reading and commenting.

milner, thanks so much.

cheryl

I've combined the two pieces.  If the order doesn't work well, please let me know.

Thanks,
cheryl

ah you've changed it
was very taken with the version I read last evening but was too tired to comment.
too bad you've removed it from the thread. would love to compare



Stella

Stella, the original is quoted in Reply #1. Myself, I think this has some good crackle that neither original (of this combined version) had. Tom

Well Stella, thanks so much for telling me how you originally felt.  You could have just let it slide and not commented at all.  So I appreciate that very much.  The reasons I made the change are in a previous comment above.  Honestly, I can't see how anyone could like the original better.  To me, days later, it's bland and mushy.  But I'm not everyone.

Thank you for your response.  Will be happy to know what your thoughts are after comparison.

cheryl

Tom, thank you for posting this reply.  It tells me what I need to know and also confirms my own feelings.

cheryl

thanks, Tom. took me a bit to get back here.
won't be the first time I swim against a current, cheryl. always enjoy your work. still prefer the first draft, not to say that there is anything wrong with the second. just feels like another poem to me.

Stella

Stella, thanks much for coming back to this.  Your comments make me want to post two poems.  This one, and the one you like.  But if I did there would be a feeling I've learned I don't like -- a sort of humialiting feeling -- like I've told too much, spilled my guts and lost my dignity.

Hope that makes sense.  I respect your opinion very much.

cheryl

Yes, Stella is delightful isn't she?

cheryl

Last 2 lines come out of the blue.  Do they explain why the N is reasing the subject person so closely?

Rick, the hurt comes from the first few lines of the second stanza.  Sometimes we fool ourselves and it hurts other people.

Thanks for your reply.

cheryl

You seem to know a lot about these kind of people, Cheryl. How do you get rid of them again?

Which ones?  The ones who are psychotic, or the ones loved by the psychos?

lol

cheryl

Couldn't care about the shared virtual psychosis. Just want to be able to write virtual poetry without my friends and I being spied on in our real life communications.

Doris, your desire is a good one, but personally I don't think it's possible.  Anytime you write for the world to see, you open yourself to the Universe.  Anything might/will/can happen.  I would say ignore them, but sometimes that makes things worse.  Just be nice and speak with integrity.  ;)

My two cents (and I've been on both sides).  Right now I have this imaginary relationship with a poet well-known to me that it's imaginary, though, that does make a difference, maybe that IS the difference).  He's as innocent as can be.  Not his fault.  He's just nice to me, and I'm just fine.

Good subject.  Maybe you could be more specific.  I promise I won't nose in your business.  lol   Send me a private message, if you wish.  Sounds like it's really bothering you.

cheryl

A comment from Tom, elsewhere--I like it very much:

 by Tom Riordan
I read this with three levels, Chery, one being romance, one being Christianity, and one asking the question: Isn't this just we human beings do constantly, tell ourselves stories constructed out of pieces of desire/perception? Tom

But that's precisely my point; what I write and publish is up to me, that is a free for all buffet to get out of what you can. My private life is real and it is mine.

Thanks, C.

That he wants you dead is probably one of those psycho things where he wants your attention so bad, and you don't give it so he thinks he hates you.  (Thank God I would never think about such a thing).

Sounds like you've got it figured out, Doris.

cheryl

Thanks for your p.o.v.'s, Cheryl. But I'm sure I haven't figured it out or it wouldn't be a problem still.

Well, yes, Doris.  I think you're right.  I do hope you don't think I'm making light of anything, or not taking the situation seriously.  I can tell you're truly upset about this experience.  I've been similar, more than one really.  The offer still stands for a personal message from you.  You could speak more candidly that way.

cheryl

That's awful Doris.  I thought you were talking about some cyber-chasing caper, which I've experienced several times, but you're talking about this guy invading your real life.  Serious stuff.  Going to the police would be my first step.  And you know you can contact microsoft, too, right?  If you have anyway at all of finding his IP address, microsoft will take care of the harassment.  Been through that and it worked for me.

Good luck,
cheryl

Thanks much, C.

Cheryl, I've been reading this, and I don't think that the last 2 lines connect. Tom

Ok, thank you.  2 in concert is good -- you and Rick.  I removed them.

I said this somewhere else --  you look like whatshisname.

Thanks again,
cheryl

to picks.

So proud to see this here.  It went through alot, as did any reader I'm sure.  lol

Thanks, Bruce.

cheryl

Congrats, Cheryl. Well-deserved pick! Would you mind if I share it elsewhere? A friend of mine - the Danish Doctor Love- is writing a book on... love. I'm trying to persuade him to include a chapter on this kind of love. Just thought I'd better ask first. Thanks from me.

Thank you, Doris.

cheryl