Three thousand Jacks and
Jills
too well-read in Marxism,
too green to eat meat- every
last one,
marching across town
with proletarian megaphones blaring
visions to an eager company of men.

Chanting ancient spiritual mantras:
"We want the park!"
voices of revolt drones into singularity-
an exhibition of
peace symbols
penned in lysergic ink.

Three thousand little
ducklings
squatting on people's park waiting
on the warmth of a second crown.

With the Gipper at the ready,
Thursday's sun retreats behind a hill
where Jack dies alone murdered in Cold
War.

"If it takes a bloodbath, let's get it over with. No more appeasement"
                      - Ronald Reagan, Bloody Thursday at People's Park in Berkeley

interesting write. 
i enjoyed the energy in this.

i think you could end on
alone, and i don't know
that you would consider
a combatant killed in
war 'murdered'.

enjoyed.

thanks,

tiko

Tiko:

Thanks for the comment. I may have made it too obscure, as the poem is supposed to be about Bloody Thursday at People's Park in Berkeley where non-violent protesters/college students gathered at a park until Reagan (nicknamed the Gipper) found out and decided to open fire, with the last two lines I was trying to make an allusion to the Cold War. Do you think I'm making it too obscure and my references are not recognizable?

edit: meant to say Reagan instead of Nixon

it may be easily picked out by one
who knows the details.  but, for
the uninformed (me), it's pretty
obscure.  that being the case,
i think if you preface it with a
quote made before, during or
after the event with a reference of
Bloody Thursday at People's Park in Berkeley
the poem could stand alone, unaltered:

"this is the quote, this is the quote!"
                               - name, Bloody Thursday at People's Park in Berkeley


thanks for providing more information.  it
was enlightening.

tiko
 

that sounds like a great idea actually, and I think I've found the perfect quote? I've added it to my original post

The quote addition works well I think...I read it without before and the following comments, so mine are not fresh eyes...Please could anyone new to the reading comment on their first impressions, especially with regard to clarity/obscurity?

David,

I found this interesting - strong with some vivid images

This is my first read of it & I enjoyed the quote - although I am not familiar with this exact incident, I was able to follow along - didn't feel lost

Michelle

dear David

enjoyed your brining to life
this toxic Gipper history.


Thursday, May 15, 1969 at 4:30 a.m

silent lotus

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/People's_Park

Governor Reagan declared a state of emergency in Berkeley and sent in 2,700 National Guard troops — ironically some Guardsmen were students called to active duty.[12] The Berkeley City Council voted 8-1 against the decision to occupy their city,[20][22] however this vote was ignored

On May 30, 1969, 30,000 Berkeley citizens (out of a population of 100,000) secured a Berkeley city permit and marched without incident past barricaded People's Park to protest Governor Reagan's occupation of their city, the death of James Rector, the blinding of Alan Blanchard and the many injuries inflicted by law enforcement.[25] Young girls slid flowers down the muzzles of bayoneted National Guard rifles,[20] and a small airplane flew over the city trailing a banner that read, "Let A Thousand Parks Bloom."[25][26]

Almost a year after "Bloody Thursday" and the death of James Rector, addressing the California Council of Growers at Yosemite, Reagan defended his actions, saying: "If it takes a bloodbath, let's get it over with. No more appeasement."[27] Less than a month later, on May 4, 1970, similar violence erupted at Kent State University, killing four students and seriously wounding nine.

silent lotus

Hmmm,  Still like this a lot but I wonder if this title is the best one the poem could have?  It doesn't seem to add much, or help understanding.

I like the proletarian megaphones but wonder if this line is needed...

"visions to an eager company of men."

I'm not sure that "we want the park" is an ancient spiritual mantra

in this line I think drones should be drone...
voices of revolt drones into singularity-

I don't understand the line
voices of revolt drones into singularity-

I aabsolutely love all the rest, David.  Well done.

Hi David

I really loved this, too!

While I think you could cook it down a (very) little, I'm enamoured with the image and the read as it is.

Please send more ;)

Best,
Ginny

Sue: ahhh the title is in reference to more of the incident's background. UC Berkeley bought out land from home owners (without their permission) through the state's right of eminent domain, and they never developed the land so students and locals turned it into a park (People's Park) without the state's permission.

and 'we want the park' as an ancient spiritual mantra was meant to be ironic- during that hippie era where everyone was using Hare Krshna as a posterchild for peace and people just took drugs for spirituality, Meher Baba tried to teach these hippies that god is not in a pill or acid tab (in opposition to Timothy Leary)

with

voices of revolt drones into singularity-
an exhibition of
peace symbols
penned in lysergic ink.

I was also trying to portray the flaw in their use of acid for peace and social rebellion (and you're right it should be drone and not drones, but could it stay as 'drones' for subtle wordplay pointing at singularity?


with this in mind.. do you think it gets that across?






G:

thank you, I haven't been writing too long but this strict forum community has helped me improve drastically

David, really like this and impressed with your writing skills.  With your skill for vocabulary I'm surprised I understood it.  (mine is much smaller)  Great job.  Personally, I like the quote at the end--it's so powerful in itself, just as your poem is, but doesn't outweigh it.

cheryl

Aaah, Well we don't have eminent domain as a term here in the UK.  We call it compulsory purchase.  I think the important element is the park, built by the people, and the heavyhanded response to the protest is the premise of this poem.  I would expunge any reference to marxism or drugs...what fuelled this march was the reaction to injustice.  This will imporve the clarity of the piece, I feel.  give it go, if you like. You can always reinstate the original if you don't like it!

I'm starting a list of alternative titles here...I usually aim for at least 5 for my poems.  Peoples Park,
after the land grab,
 
This post is a bit bossy! Do ignore any or all suggestions of course!

Maybe move the Reagan quote to the top -- epigraph position after the title?  Ditto Tiko's suggestion to end with "alone."

I think that's a capital idea Rick.