---

Between Greatgrandfather's clock
and Daddy's dresser
there's a crawl space
I squeeze in

Footsteps come toward
the front door
but I won't open it

Fingers ruffle hay
and the childhood
of an eleven year old girl

Japanese music box
takes me places
I've ceased to go

Footsteps
shuffle closer

---

Get confused between Greatgrandfather and Grandfather clocks -- if they're different clocks, need to be distinguished more? -- but I like the emotion tone of this whole poem, Cheryl. Tom

wouldn't change a thing, cheryl

Thank you Tom, silent, and David.

cheryl

Spooky.  Moving this to Submit.

cheryl these pieces of yours bring characters right into my frontal lobe.  a few suggestions throughout, i don't think you need L4 in S1, for me the voice implies you hide there since you are telling the reader about it.  i might consider placing a coma after hay in S3 as well, break up that sentence a touch.  lastly, an article 'a' to start S4 i think would fit more in the voice that comes before.  neat perspective here cheryl.  lawrence

above all , i was moved by the sense of mystery that surrounded the piece. much enjoyed

cheers

james

Don't think the repetitions of 'Greatgrandfather's clock' and 'Daddy's dresser' work, or are necessary, Cheryl. Though they may be important from your perspective, I'd also cut the last two lines out - for me that would be  more remarkable, and sinister.

milner

Cheryl,

Still spooky.  Moving this to picks.

Rick

Thanks Rick.

Thank you, James.

cheryl

Thank you milner.  I made the changes you mentioned.  Seems better to me too.

cheryl

Rick, thanks for moving this to picks.  I've made changes, but if they're not satisfactory to you, please let me know.

cheryl