[7]

A fiction breaks the window, shattering
it into seven secrets, scattering its lies.
New panes, unlatched, swing wide,
take in fields, factories, hills and sky,
opens and closes on the chance of snow.
A denouement of the plot rusts its hinge.
When the window shuts, its panes gleam 
with the vacancies from across the street.
A van coughs clouds of fictional steam.


(This revision is titleless as it is part of a group called Comme Ci, Comme Ca)




******earlier draft

The fiction that broke the window
shattered into secrets, scattered its lies.
New panes, unlatched, swung wide onto sky
took in fields, factories, the corrugated hills
angled time between opened and closed.
The sounds were crisp, startled, twisting plots
when the window shut, exchanging reflections
in the vacancies across the street.
Even at story’s end, the panes still gleam.

I read this as a reflection on a couple's cheerful outer face to, and facing of the external world, and its tortured inner face, Larry; finally, the residual pain.

I could use a comma or something at "sky," though.

Tom

Read this as the weakest links, larry.

exchanging reflections
in the vacancies across the street.
Even at story’s end, the panes still gleam.

Some messy for your consideration. 
Maggie



The fiction that broke the window
lay scattered in secrets and lies.
New panes unlatched, swung sky-wide,
took in fields and factories, the angled hills
of corrugated time strewn between opened
and closed.

Sounds were crisp, startled, startled again
when the plot twisted, when the window
closed without warning.

Tom, thanks for the read (and catch of the comma) and notes on your take, works quite well. Maggie thanks for noting the weak point. This is one of several that are all nine lines, some with alternating lines using at least one word of the line skipped above it--a,b,a,b,etc. This one lost the duplicating and I wondered how it read as a stand alone piece. The form is to enforce a sense of reoccurence once they are placed in sequence, but each needs to stand alone as a poem in balance with sound and narration. So your note, interestingly enough, hiccups right where I threw in the towel. I think 'exchanging' does not work.
Like what you did with corrugated and agree that 'reflections' is worrisome...must pause, must pause.

larry

a rewarding challenge.
the weight of your
writing is tremendous.
the word selection and
arrangement so skilled.

I always want to leave
a valueable critique,
but i'm only left with
'i enjoyed'.

thanks,

tiko
 

Tiko, thanks for the note. Took a different slant...

larry

Bloody brilliant revision, larry!!! Bravo!!!

Just have to tell you again this is a bloody brilliant revision!!!

nice revision.  i'm moving this.

excellent.

tiko

Excellent write, larry.  Great pick.  I wondered about 'opens and closes' as the action words for 'panes' -- but after reading a few times I still wonder since the panes are part of a singular window .... just thought i'd mention.  ignore at will.

I am struggling a bit with the revision, Larry. For instance, "The fiction that broke the window / shattered into secrets, scattered its lies" seems to have a grammatical logic that the revision - "A fiction breaks the window, shattering / it into seven secrets, scattering its lies" - lacks; it now appears to be the window that is shattered into secrets and lies. And why seven secrets? The original seems clearer to me.

There are other instances, but as I haven't got time to note them all now I'll try to come back to them later, if you like.

I do agree with Maggie that lines 7-8 needed to be reworked, but I like your original final line; the new one, although beautiful in itself ("A van coughs clouds of fictional steam" is just a lovely piece of writing), confuses me with the "fictional", which I can't tie back into the opening lines.

I've probably just displayed my inadequacies as a reader rather than exposed any weaknesses in your poem, but that's what I'm getting at the moment. This is so nearly so good.

Cheers

David

Thanks for the comments re: the revision. David, agreed about the opening, still struggling with that issue. The image that is working in the writer/reader's head is that of the refelections in the various panes of windows that are always shifting, depending on the perspective of the viewer and the angles of a window's opening--hinged as opposed to sliding.

However, the fixating on a particular image is always disturbed by sound, and it takes a reading like your's David to dislodge that sound long enough to turn the words over. Again thanks.

I just realized this was picked. Thank you Tiko.
larry

very photographic

Okay, I'm reading a 'new piece'.

A fiction breaks the window, shattering
its seven secrets, scattering its lies.
New panes, unlatched, swing wide,
take in fields, factories, hills and sky,
opens and closes on the chance of snow. It's the panes performing the action.
A denouement of the plot rusts ages its hinges.  More than one hinge, maybe?

When the whole window closes

It's weak here, larry.
When the window shuts, its panes gleam
with the vacancies from across the street.

A van coughs clouds of fictional steam.

A van is spreading its fictional steam.