But when the blade was sprung up, and brought forth fruit, then appeared the tares also. —Gospel of Matthew


      I am 200 pounds,
      all of which the Catholic catechism
      says
is tare:

and when I die,
the weight of what I'll take
is Ø,

until
      the general resurrection,
      when my spirit will be reunited
with all my current bulk

to either be punished
or rewarded with
      qualities I lack now,
      making me subtle, agile, unsuffering
and bright.

On that glorious day,
if I should succeed
in earning it,

      I shall be attractive to you,
      and you,
      as my wife,
      shall be to me.

Although it may seem trivial then,
more of those pounds will be muscle
      and fewer fat;
      maybe the penis a little thicker;
      you'd like that.

If it's torment I earn,
I'm at a loss
as to why God would bother,
      or what exactly He plans
      to do,

      because
      I have already known
and lost what I,
body and soul,
most want,

lost hopelessly,
and by my
      own sins of neglect,

      much more than my physique,
      which followed my retreat
from you both tare and soul

as I rolled on,
curdling the milk around
      my heart
      and blocking passion's blue torrent
      as if there was no judgment:

I don't fear His hell,
think heaven possible again,
believe a thing.

I like this.  I could feel the pain through the indirection.

Rick

Thanks for the encouraging word, Rick. Tom

Hi, Tom,

I think you have managed to combine laid- back humour,pathos and philosophy
very effectively.
The layout is interesting, but I don't pretend to understand it.
Plaudits for the way that you have laid out and carefully worded the final stanza.

Much enjoyed
Geoff B 

Thoroughly enjoyed this, Tom.

milner

Milner, thank you! Tom

Geoff, thank you for your thoughts. The layout is an experiment with double stanza-ing, the traditional stanzas based on sense and separated by skipped lines -- superimposed on 17-syllable stanzas inspired by the American Sentence/haiku, separated by indentation. That's the excuse, if not the explanation! I don't know how much sense it makes in this poem, but I'm very interested in the idea and feel there is more to learn about it and experiment with, as far as carrying meaning in a poem. I AM pleased to see their coming together in last S has an impact, maybe. Tom

moving to Submit-

I like this too, Tom, but I think your experiment in form is causing you to be wordy;
there's less tension, less energy, duller images.   Maggie





and when I die,
the weight of what I'll take
is Ø, *maybe zilch for emphasis

until *Listen to how this is stressed  sitting there by itself.
      the general resurrection,
      when my spirit will be reunites
with all my current bulk

to either be punished or rewarded
with      qualities I lack now,
      making me subtle, agile, bright,
un less suffering.
 

Indeed, Maggie, I could squeeze out a lot of little words all through, creating more angles in the reading; but not sure I want to abandon the simpler, more fluid speech. I will try it, though: tighten it all up off-board and see how it reads to me then.
The "unsuffering" is absolute, so "less" won't do it. The original is "impassible," but that sounds too much like it means "ponderous" or something, which is the wrong meaning entirely.
Thanks for your help here. Tom

Brain fart on the unsuffering, here, Tom.

making me subtle, agile, bright,
unsuffering.

This is too good to write to form, Tom. Maggie

Thank you, Maggie. I'm interpreting what you say to mean that you don't think this form suits the ideas (as it must be in some form). What led me here is the N sounding a bit jauntier than heavier lines and stanzas would. He's trying not to take it all so seriously as:

I'm 200 pounds,
all of which the Catholic catechism says is tare:
and when I die,
the weight of what I'll take is zilch,
until the general resurrection,
when my spirit reunites
with my current bulk,
punished or rewarded with qualities I lack...

I can definitely see the poem having a more serious tone, but I don't favor it, it seems ponderous and unlikely as speech actually addressed to another character. - Tom

More tension, more energy, clearer imagery doesn't translate to a more somber tone,Tom, a poem makes white space disappear
when there is evidence in its reading of sophisticated word usury in delineation.

I'm 200 pounds—all of which
the Catholic catechism says is tare—

when I die, the weight of what I'll take
is zilch,

until the general resurrection,
when my spirit reunites
with my punished or rewarded
bulk.


I'm in the middle of putting something together on form and my favorite rant, "line-breathing".
Will send you a copy when it's done if you like.

Move this draft to a "to be revised file", Tom.
Wait a few days then come at it fresh.

Maggie

Of course I might be wrong, Maggie, but line breaks like you suggest say "poet working it" to me. I don't want that tone here. I would be very pleased to see your piece on line-breathing, learn more about this esthetic, maybe fill in what I don't get in this discussion. -Tom

I was going to say that. Honestly, Milner nicks all my best ideas.

I know what you mean about the last stanza, Tom. There's a very pleasing cadence - serious but not too serious - to this:

I don't fear His hell,
think heaven possible again,
believe a thing.

I love the pregnant indefinition - is that a word? It is now - of "a thing."

Cheers

David

He does that, David. Usually nicks them before we have them, then acts like he thought them up himself. "Poet."

I see that last S is where the diction finally telescopes poetically, a la what Maggie's been talking about in her posts here. So that too coming to a head, along with the stanzation. (Is that a word?)

Thanks, Tom