it’s been a fortnight

the hill is secured
there's no meat for my pan
no tea for my kettle
tobacco is low

the scorpions no longer entertain

Great picture in just a few lines, Tiko. You give the reader just enough to do a hell of a lot more with.

Cheers

David

Curious, interesting, Tiko. An existential snapshot. Tom

Having mixed feelings about suggesting punctuation for emphasis, Tiko.

I like this.

Maggie

looking again here, Tiko, seeing someone who's struggled hard to get somewhere and is finding out it's now what he'd envisioned and will need to move on. reminds me of Marc's "Marriage of Sysyphus www.poetrycircle.com/index.php/topic,19109. Tom

I love it! The fact you've excluded punctuation adds a real sense of despair. Reminds me sadly of my own holiday.

Great little one this, Tiko, and you give us such huge spaces to play with and to conjure our own backdrop. Ole!

milner

I don't know why but this is sexy.

thanks everyone for the read and
feedback. 

i think it does work best without
punctuation. 

thanks,

tiko

~



solitary


it’s been a fortnight

the hill is secured
there's no meat for my pan
no tea for my kettle
tobacco is low

the scorpions no longer entertain


tiko lewis



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


dear Tiko

needed to see this 'visual' one time without the ugly green title that is the standard on all threads here.

i'll be back for an other read for sure

silent lotus

thanks, Silent Lotus.
tiko

Tiko, Keep coming back to this and listening.

What about using line breaks to aid the reader's pauses?

I definitely think the needs to be a significant pause after scorpions.

Maggie




it’s been a fortnight

the hill is secure

there's no meat for my pan
no tea for my kettle

tobacco is low and the scorpions

no longer entertain

That makes the diction more a poet's, less a soldier's, I think.

I was thinking it would slow the voice down a bit, Tom.
Kind of a thinking before speaking. Direct and informative without wasting words.

ditto Tom.  it would be
a departure from the
sraight foward appearance
and tone. 

tiko