Mom and Dad have a sake set:
tiny porcelain cups with no handles.

Holding one to the light, you see
a Japanese woman or a Japanese man.

When the dark eyed woman
isn't sleeping, she's fierce.

This is the same poem previously posted with one change, under a different login.  Couldn't fight my way into the other one.  Previous poem needs to be deleted, I suspect.  Thank you.

cheryl

Here's the previous version, discussion:
www.poetrycircle.com/index.php/topic,23520.

`

Sake


Mom and Dad have a sake set:
tiny porcelain cups with no handles.

Each masu held to the light, you see
a Japanese woman or a Japanese man.

When the dark eyed woman
isn't sleeping, she's fierce.




cherylanne leverette



~


dear Cherlyanne

not only do i like this very much

i am enjoying the comparison of your two different portraits
with your different logins.

smiles
silent lotus
~

I like what the introduction of the foreign word brings to the poem, Cheryl. Adds another lightyear to its span!

When I look it up, I'm told "masu" is a square wooden cup for sake-drinking, and "ochoko" a round porcelain cup.

Regardless of the language details, without the grammar at the start of L3 lining up with the "you", I think the current invites a misreading of the "you see" as the expression rather than the beginning of the new sentence. "Holding one to the light" or something aligns the grammar more smoothly? Tom

Thanks so much for your reply, silent.  Thank you, Tom.  Made the change.  Works great.  cheryl

I like the comparison of the sake set to the couple. For me this is a pick.

wow, thank you so much.  I feel lost anymore, like I can't write a thing.  this makes a big difference.  thank you, Lavonne, and silent.

cheryl

cheryl,

really enjoyed this, especially the last stanza.  could maybe go with a comma in the second line instead of with.....also, how about "holding one to the light, I see"?....gives some room for morphing/interpretation.

just slight preferences...