or the lady knows jack shit

was with some artsy types
in a deconstructed warehouse
in a renovated part of town
talking
about the understated truth
of paintings with names
like MAN and FOREST

standing outside
enjoying the music
the laughter
the taste of the night
this Asian girl
marked by crack
and overweight
anyway
she comes up to me and says

you wan come home wit me?

damn, i was all ready to yell
because that's what works
with panhandlers

but what the shit?
she was already in my face
she was propositioning me

me
wearing no jewelry
no name brands
no evidence of affluence
other than the place
i chose to be

yeah
she got a dollar out of me

hell
she would have robbed me
if she got the chance
would have fucked me
if she had to

she was just looking for jack




original:

went to a show last night for my friend
who writes virtual poems with her camera

hobnobbed with artsy types all night
had my share of the wine and cheese
in a beautifully deconstructed
meticulously clean swept warehouse

it felt real good
to spar with young folks
about the understated truth
of some paintings
and the ones that looked like cow pies
with names like MAN
and WOMAN and FOREST

later while i was standing outside
waiting for Gretchen to pick me up
enjoying the faint music
the laughter of the young people
even the antics of the requisite wino
(who was singing a street rendition
of a Smoky Robinson classic
only i couldn’t tell which one it was)
this Asian gal
overweight
pock-marked
by drugs and street life
sort of
well you know the sort
anyway she comes up to me and says

you wan come home wit me?

damn, I was all ready
to yell in her face

not to intimidate her so much
as to draw attention to myself
in case she tried to steal my bag.

what the shit?
she was propositioning me

a fat white lady

wearing no jewelry
no name brands
no evidence of affluence

i must have stepped
into an alternate universe
all i said was
no no just go away

she would have robbed me
if she got the chance
she would have fucked me
if she had to

she disappeared around the corner
looking for jack

If this is supposed to be facetious, then bravo. Otherwise, tsk tsk.

I'm wondering if the first scene could be thinned a bit, to give the second one more relative weight.

its a poem E
just ideas for people to think about

don't you think that when we are confronted with reality in an unusual or uncomfortable way that we often react facetiously?

good point rick. will work on it.

My new nickname is E? You know Eamonn is my actual name.

I thought about it, and this has a very superficial feel towards the end. So many  declarative statements force us to either agree or disagree which is less thought-provoking then I know you are capable of. You can either react negatively as I did, or--hopefully not for many people--sympathize. But of course now that I have said this many people will come to your defense, however, this is still my honest reaction. The beginning leads me to believe the speaker is a far more complicated and interesting person than the ending suggests.

LOL I only wish I was complicated.

Nicknames are a sign of affection you know.  Call me L. Maybe I should call you Ed?

And please unload all the criticism you can. I expect honest reaction; it's the only tool I have to fine tune my thoughts. It makes me better.

So that's one vote for the end and one for the beginning. I'm standing in the middle with my scissors!

Lavonne,

I think this is more story than poem. Now that works for lot here, so just note it as a view.

larry

I'm sharpening my scissors as we speak.

I like this, L.  I didn't read original, just the revision.  Clicks with me, the connect to the narrative voice.  I wrote something once, long ago, an essay, that this reminds me of.  I say, put away those scissors.  lynn

I agree the revision kicks ass

what about: ' drugged pock-marks'

what about 'drugged out crack marks'? or 'pock marks' either one has a good beat

for now I'm going with

marked by crack
and overweight

Thanks for identifying that line. life was one of those cliché words I needed to chop.

I like the revision a lot, but would you really say "what the shit?"

yeah - it's a southern thing.