I don't know how long I have been here
in the shallow water of the duck pond.
I only know that it is much too long.
You thought I was some kind of changeling
and indeed I have changed a lot
during my years in this disgusting water.

I have a mongoloid’s bloated head
and lips as soft as undifferentiated tissue.
Rubbery whiskers sprout from gaping pores
like a colony of erect deep sea worms.
My nostrils are gorilla-like craters.
Bloodshot eyes peer through thick lids.
They reveal how much I suffer.
The half-healed bullet-holes are ears.

I know I was not easy to look at
when I was born and you placed me here
in the murk with monstrous carp
and catfish that bite the feet off ducks.
I understand that revulsion,
but not the need to keep me near.
The pond is much too small for me.
Why not release me into the sub-polar sea
where I can dive in peace for ark clams
and give the Kalaallit their apparitions?

Sever your bond to me and let me go now.
There is another child feeding in your soul.

I loved this poem Tom, really did. S2 is like Whitman turned inside-out, reveling in the imagery of the body (of the walrus). I heard violins throughout, and looked through a window at the narrator's blue sadness. Great choice to put this in the 1st person, and you articulate complex thoughts of self-awareness, understanding, and resentment masterfully.

Two small points:

'I have a mongoloid’s bloated, humped head.'

tripped me slightly, presumably because of the heavy stresses -mong, oid, bloat, humped head. Pehaps the sentence structure could be rearranged? However, I am in two minds about this line: whilst on one hand it was a bump to the read, the clumsy clunking does lend itself quite well to the subject matter. I think I'll sit on the fence and hope to avoid splinters.

The word 'erect' didn't fit too well for me (honest-to-god not for euphemistic reasons) and I wonder if the image is more effective without it. Again, not too adamant about this, just letting you know my initial perceptions.

The last two lines are brave and would not work at all without the excellent images and details that come prior; with these in mind, they works a treat.

Will print this one off :)

James

James, thank you for your enthusiasm. It's very heartening. I am also learning quite a bit from your specific reactions, so double thanks! Tom

My only little nit with this, Tom, was the line 'They make me look alien'. It seems to be that from a walrus point of view, we should look 'alien'. For the rest it was most enjoyable.

milner

I have a mongoloid’s bloated, humped head.
My lips are now purplish-brownish-gray,
incredibly soft like undifferentiated tissue,
with thin, vulval drapes under the lower one.
They make me look alien.
Rubber spaghetti-like whiskers sprout
from gaping pores, a colony of erect sea worms.
My nostrils are huge gorilla-like craters.
Large bloodshot eyes peer through
small openings in the fat, hairless lids.
They reveal how much I suffer.
The half-healed bullet-holes are ears.


I agree with James about the mongoloid's bit (and isn't it Mongoloid, ie. captialized).  However, I love this description, I almost wish I didn't see the title and just my imagination go, thanks!

(ps) I think it would be interesting to see it striped of a few words, but that's just me

Thank you for reading, enjoying, helping. I see your point about alien. I'm changing to 'They make me look like an alien." Tom

Hi, EB. Thank you again for stopping in and sharing your reactions. I will put any word that you suggest in my To Strip box. I doublechecked "mongoloid", and its one meaning as an ethnic grouping or description is capitalized, while its other meaning referring to Down's Syndrome etc. can be lowercase or upper. So let me weigh the little extra clarity against the distractingness of the lowercase here. And I know what you mean about the title. That question is too much for my poor mind right now: a lot of pros and cons and pros and cons and pros and cons.....Anyway, just thank you. ~Tom

I agree with milner in re: alien
In the line: small openings in the fat, hairless lids ----- perhaps 'in these fat, hairless lids' to keep to the nv
In the following lines I might trim slightly, remove either gross or monstrous, personally, I'd let monstrous go; plus a couple suggestions for changes on line breaks and another prune [as noted].

in the murk with the gross , monstrous carp and catfish
that bite the feet off ducks. I understand
that revulsion, but not the need to keep me. so close by.

But all of these quibbles are nil to the outstanding images and flow of this work. 

regards,

lynn

Thanks for reading and for your ideas, Lynn. I have made small changes to each of the lines you flag, if not exactly as you suggest. I see the problem that you so astutely see, for instance, in "the fat, hairless lids" but I cannot use "these" since the pain is in the eyes not the lids; so I took out the "the." Anyway, not to go on, muchas gracias otra vez, Tom

Your remedies much better than mine ...

grins,

lynn

...and my maladies much worse! Tom

Ditto all the praise for this one Tom. Images and sounds working really well together. Alien didn't bother me as much as others, though I do understand the logic of losing it (having said that, I don't know what changes you've made already - ha! that issue again).
Couple of really minor things, not really nits, just observations, things I pondered during the read.
You use contractions don't and wasn't but uncontracted I have, which made me pause and wonder why that might be. Similar things happened with spaghetti-like and gorilla-like, I paused slightly to wonder about intent, and why those images. The combination of the two pulls me around quite a bit, as a reader, not necessarily in a bad way, but I wonder about the leaps my mind takes, the different associations different readers might bring to those images.
I hope this all makes sense. Not criticism at all, as I said, just things that rolled through my mind during a very enjoyable time spent with this poem.

B.

Thanks for looking so carefully, Brian. I did something about "spaghetti-like" and "gorilla-like". Yes, very distractiing. Tried L1 without contraction and the addition of that one letter makes the line horribly ponderous. Also looked at making everything contractions, but it becomes way too chatty. So--I wonder how our spoken speech actually is in that respect--whether, how much, when, and why we mix contractions and not-contractions. I would really like to think about that sometime when I have a full of head of brain. Tom

Got rid of "gross". Good call. Thanks, Tom

First time I read this I thought of Carl Sandburg's intoduction to his Harvest Poems collection.  In it, he expresses a healthy aprehension toward adjectives. This poem has too many for me too. But, there are those who are love Melville.

Thanks for the read.  d